No words can express my feelings.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Type. Erase. Type and then Erase. Type again and Erase. Gahd. Erase Erase.
Since I ended my day last night, there were still flashing moments of us that I can't erase. I fell asleep thinking what this is really all about and then when I woke up today questions were still around me. This sounds stupid but I've been dealing with this for the whole week already and sad to say I still end up with the one who has no choice.
I tried not to use the word Him but it's him Im talking about. is it him or is it us? or wait, is there really US in this situation?
Yesterday, i can't explain what happened. I never thought of being with him the whole frikking day. I just brought my cam to get a rehab in Canon but it's just it. Yes, i know we'll see each other but I never expected to have a what, a date? uhm. again? HELLO IMAX? hi Pancakes there. Shit, I thought we'll just SEE each other for a while but things get messed up and i dont regret it. I actually, loved it.
When the wind was rushing through my skin since we went out that theatre I can't help but think and wish that day wouldn't end. Wish that we're in the right time to do this, I wish I met him 2 years ago when he was looking for love and when i was looking for someone to fill up the love that was lost in my heart but this isn't just the right time and we F*cking know that but we just can't stop it. Can't stop it.
Unexpected things happened and it's for you too fill those nasty things that fills up your mind but hey this one is different. I just can't resist those stares that turned out to the traditional thing that happens next, i mean for some people. You know.
There are lots of things I want to say, to ask but I just blurted the wrong words again. The three words that I shouldn't have said. Geesh. Is this really me? Im not the cheesy person type who'll just seat there and watch the water to run dry. Or to laugh to the korniest joke I've ever heard or even to cry because I can't deal with this anymore. Its started as a game for me, but I see myself in the end falling for my opponent. Geesh, where's the real niqui? or should I say the numb niqui. pft.
I just want to fly away and forget about this, but I can't.
Bestfriends? yeah sure. he's my best GUY friend, yeah sure. No problem.
I wanna disappear right now. *POOOOF!* Fuck, im still here.
I have lots of things to say that's clouding up my mind but I cant. My smiles were just turning into frowns. I can still remember how he touched my mouth just turn my frown to a smile then I made a fake smile and it just hurts even more. Does he even know how much it hurts? Does he even know I feel like this?
SORRY is just a word from him. is it also a promise that he'll never do it again?
(oh wait, phone call for me. It's my Best GF! Lia. Hold on)
okey. my ears are bleeding. exage much. haha. After an hour of talk. I can't still figure out what to do, she told me that I shouldn't have any problems with this because it should be him who will, you know, think about this. Its not me who has a complicated life (not until he came) but it's him who has a lot of thinking to do.
I wish. I really wish I have the guts to walk away but Im afraid because he might not come after me and I guess, that will hurt the MOST.
She told me, I should be happy. but how? Happy for now because I know he's here? but what If one day He'll realize Im just a trial for them, that I'm just a mere excuse for him to feel somehow a satifying feeling he haven't felt for a long time or Im just the Rebound thing because there are things he can't do with her. Or what if, its not. What if there's really something between us?
Something that should remain quiet. Something that has to be a secret.
or something that should be forgotten because this is just not the right time?
or is it something we really feel but we can't let it out. Ill hold on, until I can. but if my heart is too much in pain, I have no choice but to walk away. whatever happens.