is faith really playing with me? Im confused? is it playing with me?

last night, I slept at around 3:00 am thinking what could be the next thing that might happened to us. Yah. Literally, i slept for couple of hours but since i still have classes the next day i need to wake up. It was 6:00 am. It was cold and there was no smile in my face, I tried but a fake one comes out. When i stepped out of my room, my dad asked me about him, checking things out but i lied. I said we're okey but it's the other way around. When me and my dad was in the car already, the music that was played in my ipod was "How do i?" and i didn't played it intentionally, when i pressed the next button it was the next song and my ipod is in Shuffle Mode. Damn it, I got the feeling of being nervous. I started to be teary eyed but i said to myself, naaaah, I hope not. Then, when i reached my room, I was empty. I know it's still early for my first class, but it was my first time to feel the real feeling of being ALONE. Then, i started to sing and stick to my mind that everythings gonna be fine.

When History class was about to end. Me, Joanna and Rita came out of our room and started singing the song "How do i" then when i was in the middle of the song, I cried. I dont know, but still i cried. Then before the class ended We talked. After all those talk, we end up ending our relationship. Yah, It's hard. when he was talking to me, i was crying. Especially when he was starting to explain everything to me. : Why right now? I really wanted to jump from 9th floor just to ease the pain. I really wanted to cut my wrist just to have an alibi. I just wanted to end my life, but hey, i still have my friends? BUT. I still cant live without him.

Treasuring someone that i didn't know from the start is really a big risk but i took it. Caring for someone who made me cry from the start is hard but i survived it. Loving someone whom i knew from this past month is a breath-taking experience but still i loved him truly. but why is this happening, just because we dont jive on something things doesn't mean we have to end it or when he cant reach the level of my love for him? ): IT HURTS. Yeah, but that's the way he wants it to be.

im still looking for a way to smile.
im still looking for a way to ease this pain.
im still looking forward to have him back in m arms again.
im still looking forward of making things back to normal again.
but i guess, i just need to dream in order to achieve those.