Its been a week.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
It's been a week since he left my heart. Its been a week since we held our hands together. Its been a week since i had a real smile, a true laugh or even a happy face. Its been a week since I saw myself smiling or saw myself happy. Yah, it's been a week since i felt the love that we had. It was hard at first, accepting that we're not together anymore but it hurts even more when you know you still love each other but the commitment part is missing. I hurts when you know you were both happy having each other when now you're happy with something else. I hurts even more when you'll see him smile and you know you're not the reason behind those smile that he has. Yah, It doubles the pain.
how am i so far? I dont know. I guess Im strong. each day of the weeks makes me weak but Im trying to overcome my weakness. Im trying to smile though it hurts inside. Im trying to laugh eventhough its really funny. Im trying to wake up everyday with a smile i my face even if I mean to have a sad face for the whole day. Im trying to understand the lessons or to listen every lecture even if i just want to doodle what I feel. All these simple things are hard for me, but I tried it and i sometimes accomplish it. but is it worth it? I guess not. so what if i smile? i laugh? i listen? or wake up with a smile? so what if im doing everything that you want me to be, I mean smiling or seeing me being strong? so what? If i dont have you, what's the purpose of these things? Is it worth it? I dont know. It doesn't even makes any sense, but that's what I think.
BE STRONG. that's what me and joanna is dealing with. Problems really makes me weak. They made me cry or even make me do stupid things. that's why im being strong here. Just to see myself smiling though i know its fake. Its the only way to make me laugh eventhough i mean to cry. Being strong gives me the courage of telling him that I still love him and I miss him to death. That i still need him in my life. That he still sompletes me and leaves me incomplete when he chooses to leave me for real. Being strong is the other way of telling a person that Im still waiting for you. It's the only way of showing him that you can still ease the pain. that you can still handle it though you know you're falling a part. Being strong is just like wearing a mask. It hides you from what you really feel. From what you really want to say.
All Im saying right now is only from my point of view. It's hard for me to deal with these things. It makes me give up but not with Love. Like now, Im not giving up on us. but what if he gives up totally? That's the moment where I'll try to BE STRONG for real. If he doesn't give up on us? It's the time that the old Niqui will come back. It will be the time where you'll see me smile again. You'll see me alive again.
Yah, I still miss us. I still miss it even more.
I'm still waiting. Waiting for the right time.