Monday, August 11, 2008
Well. As of now Im with Philip, Ram, Pao and Ken. Yah Im one of the boys again. We are here at Arena Computer Shop near our school since we have a long break again, to be exact its 3 hours and 30 minutes. YAH! It's super long. Im not with Joanna because she needs to go home. Anyways, before I went here. I went a walk first, I rode the LRT it Vito Cruz to Pedro Gil then i walk and walk and walk till i reach Robinsons. When I was walking alone, I felt really sad. I felt really nervous, not literally nervous but the feeling of being nervous. The feeling when you're having short in breathe. The feeling of you want to end your life because you dont know what to do. I felt those feeling a while ago. I was sweating a lot and I dont know what to do. I tried to calm myself but I just cant. I was thinking, What if nothing happens? I mean. If this is really the end of us. Im not ready yet. Those things entered my mind again and really made me sad, confused and upset. I hate myself. I dont want to act like this but I cant stop it and it really annoys me. I remembered what pre told me, that I should be careful with my actions because it may affect us. That's why im narrowing down and thinking everything that I will do, Im really thinking it for thousand times If i should do it or not, What might happend if i'll do it, may it affect us? or me? or him? I ask those questions, but a while ago I wasn't. I acted STUPID and i hate it. Gaaah. I hate it. I hate myself. When I was waiting for the LRT, I realized that I should wait.
So, as of now. IM WAITING! As in. waiting for what might happen.
If I'll be hurt in the end, there is no one to be blame but me because from the start i had a choice. If ill end up happy, then i'll make it the best and promise to work things out. It's hard to think that Im sitting here, watching him smile and tell to myself. "I already had him once, why did i let him go?" I miss him. Each day that passes by, It hurts me even more. Its been two weeks since i had this HAPPY MOMENT in my life. It sucks coz i dont know where I'll find it. I found it last time in his heart. I dont know how to retrieve it again. Each day makes me strong? and makes me weak. I dont want to let go, but what if he's the one letting me go? It hurts for me even more. but what if there is still a chance? When would that be? when he's leaving the country? when we switch to different classes? when i'll switch courses? or when im lying to my coffin and everybody is staring at me and crying? I dont want those days to come. Im scared, yah i am. SUPER, I dont know how to face Reality. Reality that chases me everyday but i can still manage to run but sometimes i have to think that running is not good. Sometimes, I have to stop and face this but i cant right now. im weak, right now. I just wanna be with him, just for now. I still need him. Serouisly. But i cant. we cant and that's the reality is telling me right now.