I'll tell you first what happened to me exactly today and help me analyze, should i be happy or not? should i'll be smiling after i write this post?
or should i be crying in my bed after this post?

I woke up a while ago with some strange feeling inside my heart. The feeling of being scared to get up and start playing with reality. the feeling of you're chasing by those answers but you keep on running away from them though you want to know what are they. In short, IM SCARED waking up because i dont know what might happen because i know he's still hangin around there and anytime he can or he cant come back but there's no choice but to face each f*cking fact that comes into my way. Anyways, after fixing myself i went to school early because i need to meet Ram, Paolo and Cj for ou History project. Chit Chat Talk and Talk. I dont know what i really felt when I was inside the rooooom. I feel so crowded thought it's the only the four of us is in the room and the room is really big for us. I hate seeing something that Im not ready to see. Parang, BOOOOOOM! I saw it and it hurts. anyways, after eating at KFC we went to this beautiful computer shop! Enjoy naman ako kahit walang AI sa DOTA, I watched Gossip Girl lang and in the middle of our stay, I composed a song and Im not yet done with it. Im excited and i think this will be my new hobby, Composing songs!! after that we attended FILIP11. hay, as usual may napansin nanaman si Mrs. Siat. Then after that we ate early dinner then borrowed some books @ the LRC. I borrowed "Photography for Dummies" and "Photoshop CS Image effects". Sorrrrrry na! Addict lang. then when i reached home, nagyaya lang ako magdota first with my friends, since we're all girls and ako lang ang nag enjoy sa DOTA, i called my cousins and played with them na lang. They were really shocked because Im playing DOTA again, sabi nila "Kung hindi ka tumigil, di sana hindi ka na nagpapaturo" haha. I was playing like a year ago but i found out that i sucked. i jusged myself agad. baaaaaastaaa, sermon ang inabot ko paguwi kasi i left the computer shop at around 10 pm na!


I dont know what I really feel today. I think i started it so right but ended it wrong? or the other way around. I dont know. Im soooooo confused at this moment. I'm thinking about what happened to me today and i suddenly smile then i'll remember a particular thing that happened and that smile was inverted. I REALLY DONT KNOW what should i feel today. Happy? because of some things that happened. Some small things that I really treasure today, things that didn't matter to me in the past and now im treasuring it like i wont happen anymore. Sad? because of what I'm seeing, I'm feeling or what I'm getting with the situations. Should i be sad because we're sooooo close yet we're soooo far? Should i be sad because I'm standing infront of him but it's like i dont know him anymore? I mean, i think im missing a lot. As in a LOT. Im confused.
Im scared to know the truth or the answers to my questions.

I hate myself for seeing things i shouldn't see. I hate it.
I dont know why am i seeing those stuffs!
i hate it and at the same time it hurts me. I also hate myslef for being so paranoid. I think a lot of things. When something happens in always think that what does it mean, for real what does it means. SHET! Paranoid na nga, isip pa ng isip. Pag may particualr na bagay na nangyari iniisip ko kagad, "shet! baka ganito kasi ganyan" or whatsoever. grrrr. I hate it. It makes me feel sad. but unfortunately a while ago, i had overcome SOMEHOW the feeling of being hopeless. When i saw that "SOMETHING" i didn't reacted much and
Shet. Im tired.

I've decided that i'll ask him all of my questions but im still looking for a right time. I really want to know the answers to my questions because it's so hard for me to keep all of these. It makes me sad thinking every minute of my days all of these questions that bothers me a lot. but when Im reviewing the questions, it makes me all weak again.
how niqui? how should i ask him? :(

It's so HARD but im dealing with everyday.
Im dealing with the same question each day of my life. Im asking the same old question everyday. Im thinking about those things that might happen that will surely break my heart. Im asking myself "will i overcome the pain if ever his answer will be the hardest things that i'll accept?" SEE!? Im so paranoid/pessimistic.

i want to be happy as in for the WHOLE DAY kahit just for once.
then if that will happen, i'll look for the perfect day where we can talk. as in real talk without his currently bestfriend and let me feel the pain if i should. Let me know all the answers. Let me feel the pressure. Let me feel the feeling when i feel being claustrophobic again. feeling of crying again. I wanna feel you in my arms again, even for last time.

Listen to this song. "Just let it Go" by 4tune. i dont want to let go, but some of the lyrics there are the things i want to do if ever he'll say goodbye to me for real. IF EVER.