is love painful?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Who hasn't experienced the pain of love? Or is it the pain of rejection? The pain of self doubt? The pain of fear? It's important to distinguish between love and totally separate feelings.
When it comes to pain surrounding love, we're more likely referring to the “add-ons” of love. The love baggage, we might call it. For some reason, many people assume negative emotions are a part or element of love. But experientially we know this isn't true.
Love is not painful, it feels incredible. The pain and hurt we feel doesn’t come from love, it comes from our doubts, fears, anxiety, perceived rejections, broken trusts, anger, jealousy, envy, etc. So why do we as a culture lump all those other feelings in with love?
Perhaps its because we feel these uncomfortable emotions most often in association with our love relationships. Our primary relationships are important to us, so we assume these doubts and fears are all part of the loving experience. But is this really true?
When we are fearful, angry, anxious, unhappy, or jealous, are we truly experiencing a state of love? They sure feel different, don't they? Love feels warm, open, joyous and filled with a deep sense of appreciation. Pain steps into a love relationship when you switch it from a "wanted relationship," into a "needed relationship." You don't NEED any one relationship. Want? Yes. Need? No.
If you go into a relationship not feeling terribly good about yourself, you're more likely to become dependent on your partner to help you feel good about yourself. If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives, we fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us becomes paramount. That dependency can create all kinds of fear and unhappiness when there's a perceived threat to you staying together
If we aren’t giving ourselves the acceptance we crave, we look to those around us to provide it for us. Again, none of this has a thing to do with the love you feel, but everything to do with the fear you feel.
If you really want to remove the love baggage of fear and unhappiness, the first step is to improve your self awareness and self acceptance.
is my dream a hindrance?
During wednesday, im excited to go to school. I mean almost everyday but wednesday thrills me a lot. I'll wake up so early because my classes will start in 7:00 am. but now, I dont even bother to be in school or neither at our house. I just wanted to be in a beach, san miguel by the bay or even in some place where i'll have a space, where i can cry out loud and shout what i feel today. I dont know what might happened today, but im not interested anymore. Last night, I was really about to finish my life but there a lot of hindrance. Even my dream a while ago makes it a hindrance? I dont know.
I had a dream and it goes like this, I entered a room and no one noticed me, no one looked at me or even had a glimpse of me. I know it was bibstud and I know i wasn't late. So, I grabbed a chair and went beside Rita and Joanna together with Paolo and Ram but they didn't bother to talk to me or even a simple smile.. There wasn't. Then Tubo, our teacher was discussing about a particularly commandment and it was "Thou shall not kill" and he was pertaining that suicide is not the main thing or the only thing that you can do when you cant ease the pain anymore. Then the bell rang, I was talking to them but no one answered. Then i heared rita said, "Shet, Miss ko na si Niqui" then i screamed, "IM HERE! DUH?!" but still they dont hear me. Then they went at Ram's Car and i went to but i still feel im not with them and when they were in the car, no one is talking until we reached a cemetery. I got scared and found out that they were gonna go where my tomb is. I saw Ram crying then someone shouted then my mom was asking me to get out of my bed. When i woke up, I cried again. I felt scared but still i want to end this life. I dont know, I feel so weak. But what i'm doing right now is thinking that we can still be together. Duh?! I wish.
So, Goodluck to me. Im going to school right now. Im gonna see him again. What hurts the most? is seeing him smile eventhough im not the reason anymore. Im not acting selfish here that i want him to be sad or whatever. Im just weak to accept some facts that we're gone. Yah, ever since the day he went away and left me lonely and cold, my life just hasn't been the same. When i look into your eyes the moment that i let you go i just broke down. If ill the chance to be with you again i will sacrifice Coz the feeling that I feel within No other man would ever make me feel so right Its nice to smile when I get your phone call at nightBut I'd rather have you here with me, right next to meI miss the way you hold me tight.
I still love him and Miss him to death.
Is my dream a hindrance?
I dont think so. :
I'll MISS HIM.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Moving on is really hard, especially when you love the person this much. Smiling from being broken is such a plastic thing. When you know there's nothing left and you're still trying to smile? That's bullshit. Yeah, that's plastic.
I'll miss every little thing about him. I'll miss his Big Grin or even his laugh that really drives me insane. I'll miss his voice singing "Moan" or even his sweet voice when he wants to sleep or even his snore on the phone when he fells asleep. I'll miss those korny jokes or those general knowledge that i learn from him. I'll miss him. I'll miss him.
tell me? am i wrong for loving him so much that he cant reach the level of my love? or am i wrong if we cant jive on some things? I'm trying to connect but it takes time. why gave up on me easily? :
questions from reality? yes. I cant answer.
is it really over?
is faith really playing with me? Im confused? is it playing with me?
last night, I slept at around 3:00 am thinking what could be the next thing that might happened to us. Yah. Literally, i slept for couple of hours but since i still have classes the next day i need to wake up. It was 6:00 am. It was cold and there was no smile in my face, I tried but a fake one comes out. When i stepped out of my room, my dad asked me about him, checking things out but i lied. I said we're okey but it's the other way around. When me and my dad was in the car already, the music that was played in my ipod was "How do i?" and i didn't played it intentionally, when i pressed the next button it was the next song and my ipod is in Shuffle Mode. Damn it, I got the feeling of being nervous. I started to be teary eyed but i said to myself, naaaah, I hope not. Then, when i reached my room, I was empty. I know it's still early for my first class, but it was my first time to feel the real feeling of being ALONE. Then, i started to sing and stick to my mind that everythings gonna be fine.
When History class was about to end. Me, Joanna and Rita came out of our room and started singing the song "How do i" then when i was in the middle of the song, I cried. I dont know, but still i cried. Then before the class ended We talked. After all those talk, we end up ending our relationship. Yah, It's hard. when he was talking to me, i was crying. Especially when he was starting to explain everything to me. : Why right now? I really wanted to jump from 9th floor just to ease the pain. I really wanted to cut my wrist just to have an alibi. I just wanted to end my life, but hey, i still have my friends? BUT. I still cant live without him.
Treasuring someone that i didn't know from the start is really a big risk but i took it. Caring for someone who made me cry from the start is hard but i survived it. Loving someone whom i knew from this past month is a breath-taking experience but still i loved him truly. but why is this happening, just because we dont jive on something things doesn't mean we have to end it or when he cant reach the level of my love for him? ): IT HURTS. Yeah, but that's the way he wants it to be.
im still looking for a way to smile.
im still looking for a way to ease this pain.
im still looking forward to have him back in m arms again.
im still looking forward of making things back to normal again.
but i guess, i just need to dream in order to achieve those.
COOL WITH YOU.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I fall asleep in the night
And often see you in my dreams
Holding me, oh baby
But when i wake up
And realized you should not be with me
It hurts so much,i should have hold you back.
IM A TOTAL LOSER.
I MISS HIM & I STILL LOVE HIM*
call me desperate, but that's what i feel.
Yeah baby, that's what i feel.
am i ready for tomorrow?
can you tell me if there's a reason for to smile? As in right now? as what i can see, there's no reason. What's a use of a smile if it's a fake one? to fool yourself and tell that there's no problem at all? or to proof that you can smile outside just no to affect the people around you. I started to ask this questions yesterday. All i can remember from yesterday is tears and questions, confusions and regrets. I wish i didn't got mad so we're still ok right now.
It started yesterday at the cafeteria. I over-reacted? YES, because i didn't like what happened but it turned out that I did it wrong. Yes, He asked for a cool off. I cried to Rita a lot when he left because i didn't expected those things. "I cant handle na you cant accept na magbbreak din tayo" Yah, I know.. As of now, I really cant because we're just starting. We're New in this stuff again but what makes me you think that Cool off is an answer to that but i realize that maybe he really needs some time and space. When i was riding in the bus to Cavite, I saw MOA and decided to go down to take a walk for a while, I went to the spot were we went and reminisce some stuffs. Accidentally, a tear fell down to my cheeks and a the wind blew hard and i said to myself, "Shet, I cant do this.." So i went home and cried and cried and cried while listening to our song. After talking to him on the phone, Tears fell down to my cheeks again and i fell asleep crying.
Then later this morning, My mom texted me we didn't saw each other na because my class was around 7:00 am. She said to me " I heard you crying last night, and you didn't even bother to talk to me. If it's because of a boy, I said to you be sure that they will not make you cry easily. If it's because of your grade, dont be hesitate to ask some questions and we're not expecting a lot from you but i know studies is not the problem it's a problem between your heart and someones heart. I can feel it, you're my only child" I was touched and i was about to cry again, but I tried to force it not to fall. Galing no? My mom can feel if it's with school or lovelife. Parents knows best.
Anyways, i did survived the first day in class not having him all the time though it hurts so much that I can see him ok and not with me, When i see him just passing by me, It hurts me A LOT. but then again, I'm not happy but I'm nervous because he wants to talk to me tomorrow. GEE, im not ready. :( If he will leave me, I dont know how am i gonna deal with it. I just dont know.
About my tummy, YAH it hurts but nothing beats my HEARTACHE right now. 2 years ago was the last time to feel something like this for a guy, some of my relationships this past months were just flings because im still hurt and not trusting guys but when we confessed each others feelings, i didnt hesitate to had a fling, but i decided to have a relationship. Yah, I trusted and Loved him right away, but that what my heart says and i didnt know it will hurt me so much. I thought i was ready again, i was not.
all i want is his Love. Our Love.
I just want to start all over again, or else.
God, if you cant bring us back, might as well take ME.
Seriously, You just taken the greatest part of me.
I'm weak. Please. Dont Go. Please, I need you.
I pretended to be happy.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Actually, I really didn't started my day fine. My mom actually wake me at around 5:30 because she thought it was wednesday today because my class starts at 7:00am when it's wednesday since we're at Cavite pa, i need to wake up early and leave the house as soon as possible because traffic is just anywhere out there especially in bacoor. Anyways, when i arrived at school, i just pretended to be happy, YEAH like the WHOLE DAY. I dont want my friends to be affected, so i just go with the flow. Pretend to be happy, but I'm not. I copied notes and listen to Gray G. just to ease the pain i feel inside and maybe in this blog, I can let go of this emotion which is really making me sad and think and think and think. Then, when it was Filipino time, Mrs. Siat shared us a story about the guy who told a story to her. The other teacher who is telling the story to her was really surprised by one of his student who just shared his feeling that he/she is not really happy because he/she really feel alone, even in school or even in his/her own house. The student said "Sir, aanhin niyo pa yung malaking bahay kung wala ka namang kasama. Kung wala ka namang pamilya na bubuo" SHET. Tinamaan ako doon, when i heard it, my smile really turned upside down and mrs. Siat really recognized it because i was sitting infront of her since im at the front row. Anyways, when the class just ended i approached Mrs. Siat for the Hand Outs and i offered myself to bring it to the Xerox Machine since I'm going to xerox some of our Notes and Handouts Midterms is this week and next week. So, Mrs. Siat asked me if there's something wrong and i was shocked, Then i asked her why and she said to me na she really noticed me when she was telling the story. She said "Bigla ka kasing nalungkot anak" i said, "Hindi naman po, medyo may similarity po yung kwento niyo sa nangyayari sakin ngayon" Then she just smiled and said I'll be alright and just understand my parents. I went out of the room and I was really not that happy. Then when i saw Ram and the rest of the gang, I smiled and said to myself, "Shit, I still have them. Please Smile. Please." Then I felt relieved and somehow happy when Ram embraced me. Thanks Babe.
So, as what you read, I'm really not happy with my situation here at our house. My mom? I dont see her often. She's at Work, then when she gets home she doesn't even bother to say hi and checked if my day was fine or not. My Dad? I only see him when he's gonna drive me to school. We dont talk that much even when we're in the car. When it's dinner time, I dont have any family to sit beside me and eat dinner. When it's weekend, we dont have a family day like other normal family does. I'm really missing my old family. Who goes out every weekends. Go to the beach. Eats dinner together. Go to Mass together. The Sad part is, I dont have any siblings to be close with. I dont have the ideal family. I'm really sick of this.
"aanhin mo ang malaking bahay kung ikaw lang ang mag-isa doon"
Super Right. What will i do with this life if i dont have a family who i can depend on. I'm still sixteen years old and im not really ready to be that independent. I dont have a job to be like this. All i know is, I still need a family to support me, to love me, to feed me. I still need those care. Good thing i still have these wonderful friends and a understanding and loving partner. yes, my boyfriend.If they're not here, Pano na lang ako? Iiyak na lang ba ako palagi pag mag-isa ako?
I just want to end these things. I want to have a family again. I want to be happy again, especially being happy with my family that i really miss a lot.
If i could just reapeat the past, I'll never let this event in my life happen. I'll make a point that my family wouldn't be like this.
But, on the brighter side of thise day, Me and Gang Bang family went to 11th floor after class, We went to see the APPLE STORE in SDA. Yes, a store in our building. We saw MACBOOK AIR and it was really fantastic! :] I wanna steal it kaso it's bad. haha. Then after checking the store, we were planning to go to the rooftop, but the guard didnt allowed us so we went to the 14th floor, and took some pictures. ENJOY pa din. Then went to Duer Hall to xerox some of our notes then we went our seperate ways. Me, Ram and Pao went to Quirino to wait for a bus but it was really hard to find one na kasya pa kaming three. We decided to get a cab up to Coastal Mall and there we went our seperate ways also. It was really a tiring day for me, Lakad ng Lakad but i was never bored when I'm really with my Gang Bang. Thanks Guys, You guys really made a difference. LOVEYOU!