I feel like you're slipping away. I mean, I know i have no right to say but yeah this is what i feel. It blows that you have to be so far away. That our everyday talks are turned to once in a while that end up speechless. It's sad. Im left with SMS conversations that really have no point in them. I have no right to be jealous but I can't help it. Im so f*cking immature. I know.

"Pre-Occupied" is my new enemy.

I've never missed you this much, never thought I would. This cold air brings in such a distance from us and Im still waiting for you to say that you hate me because that's the only way for me to walk away.

Im sitting here all by myself, head down to hide the tears.

Where have you been? I've been waiting so long to hear from you and all the things that we said we will do, remains to be the plans of the past. We've been too quiet for too long. Where is the hope we once had? It's too late to be saved by your charm, We'll never get this right.

Your words are cold and the season is too. The comfort in your voice is gone. Don't keep in touch i guess Im better off all alone. You've lost everything that I loved.

Well alright, Im sorry I even tried.
I was a fool to have hope in you.

Why does it have to be in this situation, when one had fallen and left without any choice? :|

It was unplanned but it turned out great. Since the REAL party is still on Friday, we still went at her house to celebrate her real birthday. I was planning to surprise my HYUNG (bro in korean, coz we're korean addicts!) but when I texted Rasha, she said that she's celebrating it first with her family and relatives but I got a text from her that will be celebrating it with her last night and we also need to her plan her debut on Friday. Yes it's still not done and we're cramming.

So much for that. Onto more important stuff.

The food was great. Yummy plus the Sansrival! It's was the best dessert I ever tasted. haha. exage much but it was really YUMMY! Beers were also present. Pulutan and more Beers.

So we danced. Planned then we danced again. We sung to the highest pitch of our voice then we laughed like it was our last day. Shet, that night was crazy. Yes. Super.

"Di bale nang SOBRA basta KULANG!" - Rasha.

See? Drunk much. hahaha. Funny sobra. Laughtrip for 20 mins. hahaha.
It was great. Complete din kaming SINGLE LADIES! Thank God. Paola's always missing in action. Period. Here, we're complete.

So. I've been busy lately. Oh shit, that's new. Well. Just got a weekend escape (Friday-Monday) with my long-time-no-see bowling partner LARA! Our weekend. Movie date @ Eastwood. We watched 500 days of summer and Yes, It's not really your typical Love Story. It's somehow Complicated and Annoying. hahaha. Annoying in a way that you don't get Summer in the movie. I dont totally get her! hahaha. Oh well, still had fun with my Lara Pot. OH GREAT! We saw JJ Helterbrand that night also and it i got amazed! Whew, Here i go again. I'm feeling the feeling that happened to me the night I saw him. Kilig Factor? hahaha. Then, after we chilled in Bed Room. haha. This was the funniest part that night. Someone approached me.

Guy: Miss, can i have your number?
Me: Ugh. No.
Guy: But why? my friends asking your number.
Me: Still doesn't make sense.
Guy: Please?
Me: Geesh. MAY ANAK NA AKO NOH! :))

hahaha. Laughtrip. But, the guy wasn't contented and the other guy, who is really the one who's asking for my number suddenly went to me and asked my number again. unfortunately he got my Jersey number and that's all he can get.

Drinks. Cocktails. Beer. Geesh, Yes I'm not fine. Done stupid things again. hahaha. Then before we left the there was this one guy also who asked for my number with the help of the waitress. hahaha I like him, but he's getting a wrong number. :P

SO GOT HOME @ around 2. Because we need to wake up early for Mass.
Then the next day. We went to MASS. Lunch date with Lolo Sixto. Training @ Rob Manila. Pancake Loading with ate Apol. Dinner @ Rockwell, Kaya Then DVD marathon till we sleep.

It was fun. fun fun fun. Gahd. After 7 months? Yes, I missed them a lot. Especially LARAAA!

Type. Erase. Type and then Erase. Type again and Erase. Gahd. Erase Erase.

Since I ended my day last night, there were still flashing moments of us that I can't erase. I fell asleep thinking what this is really all about and then when I woke up today questions were still around me. This sounds stupid but I've been dealing with this for the whole week already and sad to say I still end up with the one who has no choice.

I tried not to use the word Him but it's him Im talking about. is it him or is it us? or wait, is there really US in this situation?

Yesterday, i can't explain what happened. I never thought of being with him the whole frikking day. I just brought my cam to get a rehab in Canon but it's just it. Yes, i know we'll see each other but I never expected to have a what, a date? uhm. again? HELLO IMAX? hi Pancakes there. Shit, I thought we'll just SEE each other for a while but things get messed up and i dont regret it. I actually, loved it.

When the wind was rushing through my skin since we went out that theatre I can't help but think and wish that day wouldn't end. Wish that we're in the right time to do this, I wish I met him 2 years ago when he was looking for love and when i was looking for someone to fill up the love that was lost in my heart but this isn't just the right time and we F*cking know that but we just can't stop it. Can't stop it.

Unexpected things happened and it's for you too fill those nasty things that fills up your mind but hey this one is different. I just can't resist those stares that turned out to the traditional thing that happens next, i mean for some people. You know.

There are lots of things I want to say, to ask but I just blurted the wrong words again. The three words that I shouldn't have said. Geesh. Is this really me? Im not the cheesy person type who'll just seat there and watch the water to run dry. Or to laugh to the korniest joke I've ever heard or even to cry because I can't deal with this anymore. Its started as a game for me, but I see myself in the end falling for my opponent. Geesh, where's the real niqui? or should I say the numb niqui. pft.

I just want to fly away and forget about this, but I can't.
Bestfriends? yeah sure. he's my best GUY friend, yeah sure. No problem.

I wanna disappear right now. *POOOOF!* Fuck, im still here.

I have lots of things to say that's clouding up my mind but I cant. My smiles were just turning into frowns. I can still remember how he touched my mouth just turn my frown to a smile then I made a fake smile and it just hurts even more. Does he even know how much it hurts? Does he even know I feel like this?

SORRY is just a word from him. is it also a promise that he'll never do it again?

(oh wait, phone call for me. It's my Best GF! Lia. Hold on)

okey. my ears are bleeding. exage much. haha. After an hour of talk. I can't still figure out what to do, she told me that I shouldn't have any problems with this because it should be him who will, you know, think about this. Its not me who has a complicated life (not until he came) but it's him who has a lot of thinking to do.

I wish. I really wish I have the guts to walk away but Im afraid because he might not come after me and I guess, that will hurt the MOST.

She told me, I should be happy. but how? Happy for now because I know he's here? but what If one day He'll realize Im just a trial for them, that I'm just a mere excuse for him to feel somehow a satifying feeling he haven't felt for a long time or Im just the Rebound thing because there are things he can't do with her. Or what if, its not. What if there's really something between us?

Something that should remain quiet. Something that has to be a secret.
or something that should be forgotten because this is just not the right time?

or is it something we really feel but we can't let it out. Ill hold on, until I can. but if my heart is too much in pain, I have no choice but to walk away. whatever happens.

Geesh. It's been like ugh 2 days straight and Im still here infront of my laptop figuring things out. Like, how should I fix this Blog problem that I have!

I know how these codes work but they're really putting me on my last nerve. If you can see and If you're reading this I dont know what font this post is in right now. Whether it's 8 tahoma or 7. It's supposed to be 8! At first, when you enter my blog it's on 8 but try clicking the navigation on the left side of my blog, try clicking "entries", as you can see the fonts change to smaller fonts and it sucks! I hate it, i hate it and I HATE IT! -______-

I dont know what to do, I check my codes all over and over again but I dont see the problem. UGH? CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME? plus, putting a header up there? I dont know and It sucks, i know. I've been blogging like for how many years but still I can't figure things out like this. Ugggh. I feel desperate, I tried to change my layout but I still want the one with the navigation! huhu.

Can somebody help me? Donate a code with a navigation and a header?

I FEEL DESPERATE. or, if not just help me with the font thingie. pft.

So much with my problems, what's up with me?
Yes, I'm SICK! or i think I'm just feeling sick, but my temperature last night was high so I guess i have. a little. haha.

I had a hard time sleeping last night, though I really want to sleep coz im not really feeling well, i bid my goodnight to my textmates (oh shit, i didn't hear his voice.) but still my eyes are wide open. I tried to close my lampshade but crazy stuffs went on my mind so i turned it on again. I tried to drink lots of milk but my tummy turned upside down. I tried to read my book, and I finished it but still my eyes are open and suddenly I remembered something, oh yeah.

I MISS HIM. but, does he misses me?

Now, i know why and It sucks coz i dont have anything to do with it. I can't express how I feel. I can't say what my lips want to say. All i can do is to remember what happened and smile while reminiscing it but at the end of that, I see myself frowning and realizing that's just a memory that happened and can never happen again.

for now, i guess it wouldn't happen. i guess.

So much for drama. So much about how I feel.

on the brighter side of my life.
IM DONE WITH THE 3RD BOOK of the "it girl" Series by Cecily Von Ziegesar the author of Gossip Girl. It's about the story of Jenny Humphrey when she got to Waverly Academy for boarding school. Shet, it's a very nice novel and Im getting addicted to it. Good thing I bought the 4th book already the other day and now Im so excited to start with it. I hope in a few years from now, this will be a TV SERIES also like Gossip Girl! Can't wait.

Oh shit, I need to harvest first.

October 16,2009.

All i remember is that, that day was really a blast. We don't care what we look or where we ride as long as we have to make someone smile on her surprise 18th birthday we'll surely not think twice.

From south to manila, it was very tiring but it was all worth it.

HAPPY 18th Birthday to my one and only YB! Hannah Matti Espinoza! ayee, Legal ka na at pwede ka nang makulong. hahaha. Love you so much! Good thing you liked what we've done for you. Sayang hindi tayo kumpleto pero atleast you know who are the ones who have the effort thath day!

Dinner. Ice Cream party and More, it was one of the greatest day of my life with my girlfriends. So lucky to have these girls right by your side. Every single moment with is FANTASTIC!

Next debut? Kaye's DEBUT! :*

Yesterday was a blast. I never expected to have a lot of fun with him. Yes, with him.

I haven't done this for a long time and I never thought It would just turned out fine. Walking thru that street and while the wind was rushing through my skin and I can't help but to think, is this really happening? Making voice over to the couples who are talking to each other just turned out enjoy and I can't help but to smile more when I see ourselves laughing together, Shit I haven't done this for a long long long time and yes I missed it.

Even I got shocked that Im actually with him the whole day though it really turned out great. Started with little conversations and laughs that turned me to red to me having these questions running inside my mind. Thoughts from his face that I cant understand whe I asked him and to those feelings that we can't show. We dont know what exactly we are doing but we like everything that happened. Everything bounds to happen for a reason and for that case, we don't know what's the reason for it.

We know from the start that it's wrong and it's unfair but we just can't stop it. Its like a drug that you know it's bad and it's killing you but still you crave for it no matter what happens or whatever consequence that might happen. That's how I feel, does he? I can't stop looking at those eyes that makes me lost in space. I can't stop but smile whenever our hands touched each other. I can't help but to think that I hope we're in the right time to do this but at the end of my thought, it's going down to a simple and one truth. It just can't be us.

Yes, it's a sad truth for me but Im in a situation that I dont have any choice but to feel the pain inside and to be hurt all by myself. I never asked for this but it came and now i want it to end. To end in a way that I'll still have him but I know it's waaaaaaaaaaaay impossible to happen. Selfish it is but I can't blame myself. I never feflt this feeling again until now. It was a long time since someone touched me like this and just looked at me perfectly, fix my bangs that's covering my face and even loved the way I smile. It was a long time since someone told me how he can't resist my smile.

For a minute there I lost myself.

I wish I could be with you right now.

I never meant for any of this to end, but then again I never meant for any of this to begin with. That's just how it is with life, the most beautiful days come completely by chance.

but for now, I'll let it happen.

That I really dont know.

It started with that one special day when I entered that room, it felt like there is something with this feeling I'm gping through. I never felt this feeling again, let's say uhmm.. Months or years ago since the last person made me feel this way. Damn, it just felt right.

Yes, I got scared feeling this nerve wrecking feeling coz I dont know where exactly this is leading. Yeah, I really dont know.

I can still remember the first day I saw those great "stay down". Me staring at you from a far distance to several hours talking on the phone. It started me getting drunk and got the guts to ask for your number and called you in the middle of the night just to say "hi" yes, I get weird when it's you Im thinking. I get nuts when it's you im talking and yes I get nervous when it's your voice Im hearing.

But, this is just some shit old story. so what If you're talking to me for hours, so what If im feeling some conncetions between us, so what if you have time for me if it's not you that I'm having. If she still owns you at the end of the day. That's just so hard but I dont know what to think.

I know this is some kind of crap that I can't help but to think about it.
This feelings i have for you, it needs to stop or else I'll loooooose.

Can't you just tell me, why? or should you just let go of what we're really having.
I'll miss those ABC's we're doing, those stuffs that we're talking about. The so called connection that I'm feeling.

Or am i just the one who thinks like this? feels like this?


OH GOD. It needs to stop before I fall completely inlove with this guy.