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Teenage Scar

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FINALS!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008

First day of Exam?

Yeah, today was the day. First Day of Final Exams. It was different from highschool. You can cheat anytime without noticing by the proctor. wow, it's really different. You dont need to wait for everybody to be finished, you can go right after you finished the test. Oh yes, College na talaga. Iba na tlaga to :)

How was the test? It was Good.
PANALO NANAMAN ANG MGA TAMAAAAD!
Why? Swerte tlaga kami. Me, Pao, Ram and Joanna didn't studied this weekend and still we manage to answer and finish the test. Gepsych? Sisiw, I think i answered it for only 45 mins? It was so Easy. Ms Fern is really right the test was really easy. History? Whew, Easy. I didn't study because i Listened to our lectures naman so some of the items that were asked there in the test was able to be answered by me. YEY! Then after the History Exam, We didn't bother to review for Poligov Exam but instead we played DOTA! haha. Sorry na, Addict lang. Me and Ram were teamed versus Pao and Joanna! :) YEY, me and Ram won. Paolo, BADING! He always kill me. haha. Basta, Happy ako nung nag DOTA ako, why? haha. alam ni Joanna kung bakit. It's a shallow reason but for me it really made a difference to me.

eto na. POLIGOV EXAM!
We were late, syempre galing dota. Sumabit pa ako sa pintuan but it's fine. While tkaing the exam, me and pao had the same Set of Exam and super cheating to the max kami. We were seating at the back row and the proctor were just sitting infront. Everybody is cheating, not everybody but majority of the class is cheating. I took my notes out same with Joanna! Sisiw, Perfect na! HAHA. Chaaaaaaaaamba nanaman!

anyways, after the exams. we just stayed @ CSB MAIN. Made some silly stuffs with Sis but still enjoy naman ang thrill! :D Went home with Ram and Pao. Ay, basta. HAPPY AKO!

hmmmmmm. What a day, it was really a happy day. Lots of unexpected things happened!
YEY YEY YEY. Happy Happy, i never felt this happiness since July 29. Thanks Yellow. Di mo lang alam! :)) thanks Pao and Joanna! :*

Yesterday.

What happened yesterday?

We dont have classes because it's a Holiday, yesterday. National Heroes day to be exact. I thought i can sleep up to 12 but my mom woke me up at around 7 and told me that we will go to look new lots and furnitures. We need to go to Binondo also to buy some of her jewelries and we need to meet her friends at Luk Foo Hot Pot! Yum Yum, Shabu Shabu.

It wasn't a good morning because my sleep wasn't full. So, I fixed my stuff, myself and stuck my earphones on my bleeding ears and slept at the car. When I woke up, we were at Multinational Village na! I was shocked and the Bad Mood went away. Why kaya? haha. then, I went out of the car and i was facing a vacant lot from a street that I dont know. I asked my mom why are we here, and she answered "This is your Tita Mita's Lot, and it's For Sale" I said " SO??" then my mom answered... "I think i want this lot" and went, "WTF?? are you serious?" then she said "yah but we're not gonna transfer here right away, im still gonna build a house here. DUH?" Aba, Duh pa daw. and i said to myself, OMG! OMG! I dont know if my mom is Serious or whatsoever because she was smiling like she's not serious about what she is saying! hahaha. So, i went to the car and I was just smiling and thinking, "shet? am i excited or what?" But, I dont know. Please. Why am i feeling this way? :))

So, after going to Multinational Village. We went to Luk Foo Hot Pot, it was a anew restaurant and it was my first time to Visit it. The foooooooooood was so YUMMY! :) Then after that me and my mom went to Shang first to buy some shirts, dress and shoes. Weeee, bonding. Then went to Binondo to buy me a new watch! Thanks mom.

After that tiring day, we went back to alabang to meet my tita. Had a dinner at Contis then went home to Imus na! :P
GAAAAAH. Super Shocked pa din.

MOM? ARE YOU SERIOUS? :))

Friday, August 22, 2008

"You're not weak. You're just inlove. That's all."
-Trixie

Am i? Inlove? Is being inlove makes me so weak? or being so inlove, then suddenly someone gives up, leaves you and now you're beggining to become weak because you cant handle it? :l

I wanna be the old Niqui again, the strong one. The Old me that is not afraid to realize things. To accept the fact that it's over. I wanna be the old Niqui again, the one who can smile even there is a lot of pain inside.

Maging manhid na, basta wag lang masaktan ulit.
To be honest with you guys, I'm afraid to fall inlove again. I AM, seriously. Will it take two years again? PUHLEEEEEES, not again.

Here i go again.

I dont know. I keep typing, then erase. type, then erase. There's so much to say but i dont know how to start. I feel like, i wanna shout but i cant. I wanna cry but i ran out of tears. I wanna laugh but i dont have the reason to. I wanna be free from this hurt but i dont know how to.

What happened to me? It's 5 days since i wrote something in my blog. Well, i took a rest. Think about things that i should think. If it's A or b? If i need to sttle things down. If i need to go with the reality. I made some thinking.

Here i go again. My heart beats fast like it will explode. I sweat a lot like there is someone chasing, ah! yah. It's reality again. Chasing me around, but i keep on running away from it. But running away from it will hurt me more? I guess, that's why Im trying to grab it and understand it. Im trying, Yes. I AM.

You mad? Hm. Irritated i know, but why? Yet, you didn't say why and it hurts even more. I wanna know. Im dying to know, but I dont want to irritate you again. I'm sorry.

See? How hard it is? I dont know. It's hard for me and I want to end this but i cant. HELP ME? Please. I still have one more term to fix these. One more term. I'll go what Lor said, Wait. Yah, i'll wait but tell me when to stop and let's do everything for the last time.

I wanna be happy. That's all.
what if, happiness means letting you go? would i still want to be happy?
IDTS. :l

friendship over.
Sunday, August 17, 2008

well, it's officially over. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING you fat liar. Just leave me alone together with your wannabe creeps. Apology not accepted and that's final. I might forgive but never forget. I'll forgive if you just stop texting me, calling me or even ask my mom how am i doing. FRIENDSHIP is really over. I realized that, you're nothing anymore. I'll take the risk to be alone rather that being with you. Oh, wait. I still have friends here, waaaaay better than YOU.

STOP TEXTING ME. PLEASE. I BEG YOU.
its not funny anymore. using a different number is way old school. It's nice if we just cut or connection. dont make me change my number. dont make me hate you again coz you'll definitely suffer this next term or for the rest of your life. Mahaba na naging pasensya ko sayo, You did this thousand times and i forgive you everytime but it's different now.

If you just kept your mouth shut and listened to me last night, this wouldn't be going this far. I might understand you because you've planned it and i'll understand how you will react but throwing those words like you know what's really happening to me? that's bullshit. definitely, it is. So, dont you dare come to my house just to say sorry. Mababastos lang kita, hindi kita kakausapin. Im through with you! i know you're reading this and you really put me in my last nerves. YOU PISSED ME OFF! Sana tumigil ka na lang dun sa isang text me, eh sinundan mo pa?! Grabe, if you really feel sorry, feel sorry for yourself coz you just lost a friend who cared for you once.

Thanks for the friendship that we built but you ruined it. 6 years was broken because of youre stupid big mouth. I dont know if you'll regret this but i wont. Mabuti ng nalaman ko yung tunay na sarili mo. I dont know if your jealous or whatsoever but you're acting like a gradeschool student. Backstabber and a shiny plastic. I thought you've change but you didnt. Same old You.

YES IM MAD. SUPER, that's why stay away from me. PLEASE.


Doing certain things can make the situation worse.
Unfortunately, we tend to make these mistakes when we are in an emotional turmoil, especially just after a break up.
Fortunately, these mistakes are usually not fatal.
I didn't mean to do these things but i was just out of my emotions.

but now. Im trying to face it. Seriously, I am.

IM JUST GONNA GO WITH THE FLOW.

and let's see how far will i go. please, lord. Help Me! -_____-

i wanna be strong and be happy for some time.
i wanna make a difference and say "Im ok!".
i wanna know the answers that is bothering me.
i wanna know if he still have feelings for me. though im scared.
Im still hoping, but Im trying to be strong also.
See, Im trying. and let's hope everything's gonna be alright.


What just happened yesterday and i didn't got the chance to write in my blog? :)) YAHH, I was busy. I wrote only some but not exactly what happened to me.

It started when I had a breakfast with my dad and some of my realtives in tagaytay. Yah, My mom is not around because she had work. So, after the suuuupeeerrrr YUMMY breakfast, we went to Carmona, in my cousins place because its FIESTA over there, we had our lunch there and stayed for some chit chat and watsoever! Then after that around 2:00pm we went home na, It was really a long trip. I listened to my Ipod and fate was playing with me again. First song, BOUT IT. hmmmm, it was a party song! So, i was like singing and singing and singing. then next song, "First time for Everything" It was like a song about a guy who finally moved on though its really pretty hard for him, so it made me realize that I should move on with my life with or without him. I smiled pa, like everything is okey. Like it's so easy for me though its never been hard like before. So, I said to myself "Kaya to" then the next song was "Love the way" SEE? Is fate really playing with me again. Memories started to take place, i remember the days when we were still together, holding hands and i feel like not letting go of him, hugging him so tight because i wouldn't see him during weekends. Those memories that really made me sigh and said to myself, "shit, Im not yet ready to let go." GAH! Im still hoping, unless he's the one that will formaly let me go, said to me in person that it's really over. Im scared that day will come and look who's not ready. geeeesh, enough muna. I dont want to cry :(

so after the Roooooadtripp with my Family, we stayed @ Marden's Coffen Shop and it was really nice. It was my first time to go their and it was really cooooool and it's near! Bagong tambayan ko na yun pag may WiFi na! Sabi nila, they'll have it :) Anyways, after having their yummy "Devil's Food" we really went home. I'm starting not to feel well, then i got Online but I fell asleep then when i woke up, my mom is already here and said that I'm sick. Nilalagnat daw ako! I said, no it cant be, I still have panoram jamfest at night and it's Ordev-A accredited! Pinayagan ako, kasi i said it's super kailangan then on the other side MICHELLE is mad at me. I should go with them @ San Miguel by the bay last night but because of the plan that Im going to Panorama Jamfest, I didn't got the chance to go with them. She said that, i can have the ticket then let it sign somewhere just to have an accreditation for my ordev. I said, sayang naman ung binayaran ko and I wanna see what's the Jamfest all about and I want to Andi9 also. Then she said to me "Is that what you really want to see? or him? You know he doesn't love you anymore but you're still sticking yourself to him. Wake Up girl, this is reality calling you. No more dreams and Hopes! It will just break you more. Why cant you just accept that it's GAME OVER. He's done playing but you're still playing? It's like playing with a person then suddenly quits, then you still manage to continue what he left behind." GRABE! Ang sakit. SUPER, i was like "Shit! that's not the fucking reason behind why i went to that concert. Yah, I want to see him ofcourse but not like that." I said, If a friend can say that to me, I better be not frirnds with her anymore. I should have choooose good friends before. I thought she will understand me but not. Thanks!



a picture taken @ the jamfest :)
this is one of my favorite shot. i love it.
more pictures from the jamfest here.

So after the Jamfest, we went home. Then i took a taxi and saw my bestfriend's car @ Macapagal. I went down and stayed for a while. I was really amazed how they play this Drag Racing. I saw him race pa, but i saw some of his friends were drinking and i said to him "Please, dont drink. Mag drive ka pa pauwi. ihahatid mo pa ako diba?" Then he said, "lakas mo tlaga sakin" :) HAHA. I missed this kumag, he said to me. Ganto na lang ba ako, magpapakita pag broken hearted. Then we laughed lang! :)) I made kwento and stuff and he got angry because i dont take good care of myself daw. I always let people do that to me. He feels sorry for me, for what is happening to me. I felt saved for a while when i was with him. When we bid our goodbyes before i left his car he said to me. "Nandito naman ako palagi eh, ikaw lang tong nawawala. Wag mo masyadong itago sa sarili mo yang mga problema mo. Alam mo namang ayaw kitang nalulungkot. Please lang, wag mo hayaang gawin ng iba yan sayo." Then I said, Thanks Bes. I miss you. It was really a relief talking to someone that can make you smile at the end of the day. I tought it will really end up SAD. But, somehow. SOMEHOW. somehow, someone made me smile kahit for seconds lang basta its true thats all that matters.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Love is the greatest gift we can ever hope to give or receive. Love is the one thing that can overcome so many of the difficult times that we are faced with in life. Love is so powerful - it can turn frowns into smiles. It can help mend the most broken heart. It can even turn all of the ugliness in the world into the most beautiful portrait we could ever have the pleasure to behold. Such a monumental task of course... it could be. But only if we try to do it alone. Instead, if each of us, in our own small way contributed just a little together, the task can become the reality we're reaching for. As potent as what love can be, it can only work it's magic if we choose to allow it to. For that to come to pass we must let go of the other emotions that can get in love's way. How is that - you may wonder? Consider the thought that, first Anger, It's normal, but holding on to it indefinitely isn't really necessary. Let it go... Forgiveness is so much better for the soul than holding on to a grudge. Not only will the person you're angry at be happier but so will you. another one is harshness, Harsh words take just as much effort and energy as kind ones do. Why not consider your choice of words before you speak them and choose gentler ones to get your point across. Impatience, Aren't we all guilty of this at one time or another? Keep reminding yourself of the old saying - "Patience is a virtue" who wouldn't want to be a little more virtuous? Mistakes, We all make them! So when someone else does, forgive them as you hope others would do for you. Allow them to be "only human" and consider the fact that they didn't mean any harm by it. Did you, when you made one? EXPECTATIONS, Set them low enough that they are achievable - not so high that you fail to reach them. No one wants to feel like a failure - neither you or the other person. If you don't expect too much you will not be disappointed. Perfection, We weren't born perfect, i Take the time to know each other's heart - when you do you will be more understanding and less apt to misunderstand another's intentions, which probably were never meant to hurt or upset you to begin with. Smile more often - it may cause a few wrinkles, at the very least, but then so does frowning. You choose what kind you'd rather have. And as you ponder that choice, keep in mind that they can both be contagious. Wouldn't you rather be greeted by smiles than frowns? Love causes less stress, less heartache, less misunderstandings, less of just about everything negative. Love does reap rewards - happiness, health, joy, peace, and so much more that's positive. Isn't that what we want most for this world of ours? Isn't this a much prettier picture? Remember the portrait? It's not impossible and we can all help to paint it. We can at least try, right? Think about it... it's not something that can be learned, so why not accept the fact that it doesn't exist. So many of us would breathe easier if this
concept would just fade away. I would, wouldn't you?



"lead me back to your heart.."
I FOUND PEACE IN THE STREETS OF MANILA
picture is taken and edited by me.

In the moonlight Your face it glows Like a thousand diamonds I suppose And your hair flows like The ocean breeze Not a million fights Could make me hate you You’re invincible Yeah, It’s true It’s in your eyes Where I find peace Is it broken? Can we work it out? Let’s light up the town, scream out loud! Is it broken? Can we work it out? I can see in your eyes You’re ready to breakDon’t look away. So here we are now In a place whereT he sun blended With the ocean thin. So thin, we standAcross from each other Together we’ll wonder If we will last these daysIf I asked you to stay Would you tell meYou would be mine? And time Is all I ask for TimeI just need one more day And time You’ve been crying too long Time And your tears wrote this song Stay In the moonlight Your face it glows


what a day :|
Friday, August 15, 2008

today was really a tiring day today though i didn't do any extra curricular things today. I did of lot things lang talaga :) First, I went jogging at around 5:00am to 6:00am in a park near our place then after taking a shower I went to Seton. I visted my previous school, many things changed and when I stepped once again to my alma mater i said to myself "Shet, namiss ko toh" I was with Kaye and we decided to Worship, after the worship we just made some chit chat to our highschool teachers. Miss Jham! Our Adviser, is preggy and Im so excited for her. Baby ng Physio! Then, I also saw Sir Dennis, one of my favorite teacher.

After visiting our school, I went to Imus Cathedral. The mass just ended when I arrived and it sucks. I want to go to mass pa naman but still i had the chance to talk to God a while ago. When i was kneeling and talking to God i cant help it but to be teary eye. You know, Im a person who cries easily but i dont know. I was asking him why does he allow to happen these things that Im experiencing right now, like problems in our house, my mom is sick and my dad is waaaaaaay so moody now a days, problems with my sickness, and yes, problem that I'm really facing hard right now, problem with my heart. I asked him "bakit mo siya kinuha sakin?" and i also asked him "why did you allowed to be US if you'll just gonna take him back easily?" questions like that. The wind blew hard and just left a smile in my face, I dont know why I smiled but it left me a good start on not ruining my day. After offering some candles, I went to the nearest computer shop and played DOTA. Sorry na! Im starting to be addict and I dont know if it's a gooooood idea! :)) then i went home found out that my mom didn't go to work because she was very sick. I took care of her for a while then later on i left the house because I still have classes. since i arrrived early, I went to Hollo Lounge again. A computer shop then i played Dota lang and I was late for Bibstud! Goooood thing they were watching a movie lang :P

after our class, we went to the LRC to REsearch some stuffs then went dota again at ARENA. we ended at around 9 and i went home at exactly 11pm. Gaaaaah. I sooooo hate the first jeepney driver. The jeep was supposed to end @ baclaran since i was the ONLY passenger left, he asked me to walk na lang. : It was tiring, that's why when i entered the jeeeeep, I finally took a nap! whew, I woke up when we were at Puregold na. SAKTO!! I didnt notice it was 11. When i reached home, my dad was mad as in really mad, he ws shouting on me not making me explain or talk then when he asked me if who am i with, I said i was qith ram and pao he suddenly said "Kasama mo namana pala si Ram eh, bat di mo sinabi nung nasa computer shop ka pa lang? ok naman pala eh" Whew, ganun lang pala un. I told white lies pa, lakas nia pala sa dad ko? hahaha. just kidding around!

Nothing special happened today but still it hurts even more. Lalu na pag alam mung wala ng magagawa :D Anyways, Smile lang.

i dont know.
Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'll tell you first what happened to me exactly today and help me analyze, should i be happy or not? should i'll be smiling after i write this post?
or should i be crying in my bed after this post?

I woke up a while ago with some strange feeling inside my heart. The feeling of being scared to get up and start playing with reality. the feeling of you're chasing by those answers but you keep on running away from them though you want to know what are they. In short, IM SCARED waking up because i dont know what might happen because i know he's still hangin around there and anytime he can or he cant come back but there's no choice but to face each f*cking fact that comes into my way. Anyways, after fixing myself i went to school early because i need to meet Ram, Paolo and Cj for ou History project. Chit Chat Talk and Talk. I dont know what i really felt when I was inside the rooooom. I feel so crowded thought it's the only the four of us is in the room and the room is really big for us. I hate seeing something that Im not ready to see. Parang, BOOOOOOM! I saw it and it hurts. anyways, after eating at KFC we went to this beautiful computer shop! Enjoy naman ako kahit walang AI sa DOTA, I watched Gossip Girl lang and in the middle of our stay, I composed a song and Im not yet done with it. Im excited and i think this will be my new hobby, Composing songs!! after that we attended FILIP11. hay, as usual may napansin nanaman si Mrs. Siat. Then after that we ate early dinner then borrowed some books @ the LRC. I borrowed "Photography for Dummies" and "Photoshop CS Image effects". Sorrrrrry na! Addict lang. then when i reached home, nagyaya lang ako magdota first with my friends, since we're all girls and ako lang ang nag enjoy sa DOTA, i called my cousins and played with them na lang. They were really shocked because Im playing DOTA again, sabi nila "Kung hindi ka tumigil, di sana hindi ka na nagpapaturo" haha. I was playing like a year ago but i found out that i sucked. i jusged myself agad. baaaaaastaaa, sermon ang inabot ko paguwi kasi i left the computer shop at around 10 pm na!


I dont know what I really feel today. I think i started it so right but ended it wrong? or the other way around. I dont know. Im soooooo confused at this moment. I'm thinking about what happened to me today and i suddenly smile then i'll remember a particular thing that happened and that smile was inverted. I REALLY DONT KNOW what should i feel today. Happy? because of some things that happened. Some small things that I really treasure today, things that didn't matter to me in the past and now im treasuring it like i wont happen anymore. Sad? because of what I'm seeing, I'm feeling or what I'm getting with the situations. Should i be sad because we're sooooo close yet we're soooo far? Should i be sad because I'm standing infront of him but it's like i dont know him anymore? I mean, i think im missing a lot. As in a LOT. Im confused.
Im scared to know the truth or the answers to my questions.

I hate myself for seeing things i shouldn't see. I hate it.
I dont know why am i seeing those stuffs!
i hate it and at the same time it hurts me. I also hate myslef for being so paranoid. I think a lot of things. When something happens in always think that what does it mean, for real what does it means. SHET! Paranoid na nga, isip pa ng isip. Pag may particualr na bagay na nangyari iniisip ko kagad, "shet! baka ganito kasi ganyan" or whatsoever. grrrr. I hate it. It makes me feel sad. but unfortunately a while ago, i had overcome SOMEHOW the feeling of being hopeless. When i saw that "SOMETHING" i didn't reacted much and
Shet. Im tired.

I've decided that i'll ask him all of my questions but im still looking for a right time. I really want to know the answers to my questions because it's so hard for me to keep all of these. It makes me sad thinking every minute of my days all of these questions that bothers me a lot. but when Im reviewing the questions, it makes me all weak again.
how niqui? how should i ask him? :(

It's so HARD but im dealing with everyday.
Im dealing with the same question each day of my life. Im asking the same old question everyday. Im thinking about those things that might happen that will surely break my heart. Im asking myself "will i overcome the pain if ever his answer will be the hardest things that i'll accept?" SEE!? Im so paranoid/pessimistic.

i want to be happy as in for the WHOLE DAY kahit just for once.
then if that will happen, i'll look for the perfect day where we can talk. as in real talk without his currently bestfriend and let me feel the pain if i should. Let me know all the answers. Let me feel the pressure. Let me feel the feeling when i feel being claustrophobic again. feeling of crying again. I wanna feel you in my arms again, even for last time.

Listen to this song. "Just let it Go" by 4tune. i dont want to let go, but some of the lyrics there are the things i want to do if ever he'll say goodbye to me for real. IF EVER.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

do you still miss me? do still think of me?
do you still care about me? do you still have the feelings that we had?
do you still want to bring back the past?
do you still know what you are doing?
do you still smile when you remember something from the past?
do you still LOVE me?

if he will ask me. i'll definitely answer YES. Everyday.
each day that passes by and i know i still dont have in my arms, it breaks my heart even more.
it makes me cry whenever i look at our pictures. I cant sleep in my room for the past 2 days because my room is full of memories. anywhere i look, i can see something about him. pictures, letters and moments. Things that brings back the memories that we had. I never gave up on you, but why did you give up on me. It hurts, knowing you still love the person who left you behind crying. It hurts even more when you know the feelings are gone. It hurts.

some questions that i want to ask. there are lots them but those were just some of what's bothering me. You know the feeling when someone's shutting you down? Now, i know how it feels. Do you know how it feels when someone is letting you go? I dont know if I'm feeling the right way. I dont know how will i ask him. I'm not brave enough.

I just want him to answer those, or answer this very important question. If he'll answer it, and ill have the answer. I cant do anything about it but to accept. I want to know if we can still be together, because it's hard waking up each day hoping that some miracle can happen. Everyday, i pray and i wish for us to be together again but fate is really playing with me. Fate makes me move on for 2 years and easily break my heart in 1 month. Why? Answer me!!! Why?

why does fate want me to see crying everynight, everyday, everytime i remember something about us. i wanna be strong and happy just for once. why cant it be?

BLANK DAY x|

What a miserable/kinda-happy/unlucky day!

I dont know if you'll believe me, but Im a person who always reflects on the things that i did for a particularly day. I'll come to think if i did something that might change something in my life or if i just had a miserable day. When i was in the bus a while ago, I reflected on things that i have done today or the things that happened to me today. It's kinda weird actually, I cant call it a HAPPY DAY because there were some part that is really not GOOD! Seriously not good. So, i guess i can call this day Kinda Happy yet Unlucky day for me. There were some stuffs that I dont understand why should it happen in the first place. My day goes like this...

I woke up at around 5:00 am and my dad is mad! We should be leaving at 5:30 am because he needs to go back in Cavite early because it's traffic in Bacoor. No choice, I slept late so i woke up late also. I only had 3 hours of sleep and it's really a pain in the head. I was like suffering from vertigo. YEAH, that hard. So, i slept at the car realizing that I'm not wearing seatbelt and because of those stupid jeepney driver our car was so close bumping to the jeep and it made my dad step on the break so hard, I woke up and bumped my head on the window. OUCH! it really hurts because i bumped really hard. So, when i reached Taft Avenue, it was only 6:30 and decided to stay at the LRC, i slept for a while until i noticed that Im late for my first period and its Physical Education. haha. Since it's just P.E. i went to Joillibee first to eat my breakfast because i was really hungry. Then i went to our class and suddenly ended it. Before Joanna goes home we went to hollow lounge first, it's a computer shop near our SDA Campus. We suddenly bumped into Mrs. Siat, exchange hi's and hello's and asked about us. Yeah, about us. I made some kwento and stuff then I was shocked that he knows it already. Grabe si Miss! Ang bilis ng chika. Anyways, i dont know if it's a big deal but i dont know, something's not right. I can feel it, P.E. palang, i can feel something is wrong. anyways, when joanna left the computer shop I played DOTA na lang! :)) It was fun. First time ko mapatay ung HERO na computer, Mega Kill daw!? haha then it was my first time to be that strong. (Well for me, malakas na un.) Im using Enigma a while ago and he's my new favorite! then time for ORDEV-A and it was really short. we answered 4 question only provided by a representative of a some office in the campus then after answering the question you may go already! COOOL, the subject last for only 20 mins.

We didn't had our lunch na, I didnt got hungry din naman in the first place. Me and Joanna decided to buy our favorite drink from ZEN TEA. (Zen Tea the best!) haha. "ne Choctea and One Nai Cha PLEASE!" whew, fave fave tlaga. Me and Joanna are also mistaken as sisters, well pinanindigan namin kay na kuya bartenders ang pagiging magkapatid namin ni joanna at mabenta naman ang kwento ever namin. Anyways, while having a stop there we had ourselves buying those materials for our project then we finished it on the 14th floor. We didn't got the chance to attend our bibstud class but good thing we had free cut on that subject! WALA SI TUBOO!! hahahaha. Lucky for us. we're not absent at all! but during those time that we were making the project, there was this one time that i came down to copy from pao's work because we dont know about the map thingie, I went there at the caf and I felt sad from what happened. You know the feeling that you know you're there but for them you were not. I look stupid? I'm getting paranoid again, maybe, that's why. Then i went upstairs and told joanna what happened. Tears fell from my cheek and i was about to give up. Joanna hugged me and comforted me. then suddenly, It made me feel calm. Dinaan ko na lang sa mga kantang ginawa ko, sa mga sigaw ko yung nararamdaman ko kanina. We listened to Music that really fits me and it made me teary eye lang. So, i decide to change the Genre of the MUSIC! :D

GEPSYCH CLASS! I thought my day was really miserable and dull but this class made some difference somehow. It made me smile, laugh and felt happiness for a short period of time. We had this activity where you'll put your name on a bond paper and stick it on the wall and let the other fill it with their first impression to you. I recieved lots of first good impression. Funny and Friendly top the impressions that people had on me. second is SHY & Quiet. Parang hindi tugma, then the third one is DOTA GIRL! :)) funny si Ken and the other one who wrote it! and there is this one person who wrote on my paper that only the two of us will understand it. "MIMI LOVES GEORGE!" hahaha! Gets niyo? Kaming dalawa lang nakagets nun. ENJOY tlaga tong subject na ito. Then after the class, ADVENTURE lang ang dinanas namin ni Joanna.

Lots of naughty things were done by the two of us. Nagalit pa yung guard. Di bale, me and joanna had a new thought of the day and it goes like this "DADATING DIN ANG ARAW NA HINDI KAYO MAKAKAUWI" hmmm, para yan sa gumagago sakin ngayon! :p Wen i reached UN Station, i was really wet. as in major wet. 30 minutes bago ako nakasakay and it was TRAAAAAAAFICCCCC! Taft pa lang plus bacoor and aguinaldo highway. Gah, hassle. Even my Ipod goes with the flow of my mood? I dont know if fate is playing with me. My ipod is in Shuffle mode but yet, after "ain't no other man" comes "Love the way" by five times august. It was our song. When the song started to play, memories came into my mind and it made me teary eyed. It sucks i know, pero mababaw tlaga ung luha ako. IYAKIN ako, oo! I admit it, i even cry to most smallest things. then after that song "first time for everything" played. it also made some connections to my situation right now. I MISS HIM, even more each day.

This day was really complicated. Mixed feelings and trips happened today. there is still bothering me. I dont know if it's true. I dont know how to face the fact if ever it's true. OH GOD, please help me. Im weak. Im really weak. Im scared. Im really scared. Please, let me know if something is wrong. :

I'm still up.

it's already 1:30 am and im still up.
i know it sucks. but i dont know why! I cant sleeeeeeeep and it really pisses me off. i mean i wanna sleep but I cant. I still have classes at 7:00am and i need to leave the house at 6 so i need to wake up at 5:00 am and that means i should be in my f*cking bed right now having those weird dreams of mine but I'm not. Is this insomia? or am i thinking lots of lots of things? hmm. i guess both.

i wanna sleep and i can feel my eyes closing every now and then. I guess this is it! i hope so, i'll try to lie down and see what might happen. if i'll sleep right away, im tired if not im getting paranoid again. i dont know what im typing anymore.....

BUT HEY! I have a new layout! out of my insomia/being paranoid i cant bother to sleep so i made a new layout. Even in my MULTIPLY i have a new layout! :) Visit me and drop a comment! thanks thanks. I'll be sleeping naaaa. love you guys. ISTILLMISSHIM*
http://nictesh.multiply.com -- my multiply. visit & drop a hug please!

Breaktime.
Monday, August 11, 2008

Well. As of now Im with Philip, Ram, Pao and Ken. Yah Im one of the boys again. We are here at Arena Computer Shop near our school since we have a long break again, to be exact its 3 hours and 30 minutes. YAH! It's super long. Im not with Joanna because she needs to go home. Anyways, before I went here. I went a walk first, I rode the LRT it Vito Cruz to Pedro Gil then i walk and walk and walk till i reach Robinsons. When I was walking alone, I felt really sad. I felt really nervous, not literally nervous but the feeling of being nervous. The feeling when you're having short in breathe. The feeling of you want to end your life because you dont know what to do. I felt those feeling a while ago. I was sweating a lot and I dont know what to do. I tried to calm myself but I just cant. I was thinking, What if nothing happens? I mean. If this is really the end of us. Im not ready yet. Those things entered my mind again and really made me sad, confused and upset. I hate myself. I dont want to act like this but I cant stop it and it really annoys me. I remembered what pre told me, that I should be careful with my actions because it may affect us. That's why im narrowing down and thinking everything that I will do, Im really thinking it for thousand times If i should do it or not, What might happend if i'll do it, may it affect us? or me? or him? I ask those questions, but a while ago I wasn't. I acted STUPID and i hate it. Gaaah. I hate it. I hate myself. When I was waiting for the LRT, I realized that I should wait.

So, as of now. IM WAITING! As in. waiting for what might happen.
If I'll be hurt in the end, there is no one to be blame but me because from the start i had a choice. If ill end up happy, then i'll make it the best and promise to work things out. It's hard to think that Im sitting here, watching him smile and tell to myself. "I already had him once, why did i let him go?" I miss him. Each day that passes by, It hurts me even more. Its been two weeks since i had this HAPPY MOMENT in my life. It sucks coz i dont know where I'll find it. I found it last time in his heart. I dont know how to retrieve it again. Each day makes me strong? and makes me weak. I dont want to let go, but what if he's the one letting me go? It hurts for me even more. but what if there is still a chance? When would that be? when he's leaving the country? when we switch to different classes? when i'll switch courses? or when im lying to my coffin and everybody is staring at me and crying? I dont want those days to come. Im scared, yah i am. SUPER, I dont know how to face Reality. Reality that chases me everyday but i can still manage to run but sometimes i have to think that running is not good. Sometimes, I have to stop and face this but i cant right now. im weak, right now. I just wanna be with him, just for now. I still need him. Serouisly. But i cant. we cant and that's the reality is telling me right now.

Happy. That's all.
Thursday, August 7, 2008

I woke up this morning full of smile in my face. I never thought of waking up with this feeling. I'm soooooo happy today as in. I thought it wouldn't be just an ordinary day for me but it wasn't. Last night i asked for a sign and it happened this morning. Thank God! It made me smile. (:

I went to the parlor and had my hair colored. Enjoy naman ako! First Costumer pa ako. Anyways. I was really happy and I cant explain how happy i am. I never felt this happiness ever in my life. Not only because of the sign but also what happened today.

Is it really gooodbye to EMO Songs? Sad Quotes? Sad entries? I dont know. But for sure this one is not a Emo type of entry. This one is about a happy girl. I woke up a while ago and i never woke up like this one. Then I went to the parlor, had my hair colored. The gay told me, "Nako, maiinlove lang lalo boyfriend mo sayo!" haha. No comment, pero natawa na lang ako. Then I went to school na. No traffic. Happy nanaman ako! I saw my long lost friend pa na sa manila na nag aral. See? I missed her pa naman. Then I went to the computer shop to meet Ram, Pao and Ken. HAHA! Happy, another sign was granted. Diba? Winner! haha. Then after our filipino class, an unexpected trip came a long. We watched La Salle's Game at Araneta. Thea, Pre, Hannah especially Ram made my day special. Thanks Guys! Nag enjoy ako. Super Cheer to the max! I lost my voice tuloy.

There are lots of things that happened that really made me a happy girl today.
Behind those sad stories i had, behind those heart-broken things and bad experiences, still i manage to have a happy and unforgettable day. I love GOD! Thanks.

I found out, I still know what life means. I know how to smile or even smile.
thanks to you. YAH! YOU. Thanks!

But still, IMY after all.

I wanna go back.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008

It was like yesterday that we had our own smiles in our face. We wake up in the morning having those big grin. We wake up full of excitement of what tomorrow will bring but now, We're just not the old person who seem to be so happy. The person who will just give you a smile without any reason. The person who is inlove, inspired and happy all the time.

I just wanna go back where i still have those smiles. I just wanna go back where I still have him. Back to the time where i laugh hard though it was a ashallow reason for you to laugh. I wanna go back to the time were I felt the whole thing is perfect. Where you feel that there is no one who will make you sad. I wanna go back to the days where I still know how to love, where i know what's the feeling og being loved or the feeling of having someone that can help you in every aspect in life. I just wanna go back to the past and makes things right.

If i can go back, I WILL.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the one.

It wasn't the one i want to hear, but im still waiting for it.
im still waiting for it.

Its been a week.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008

It's been a week since he left my heart. Its been a week since we held our hands together. Its been a week since i had a real smile, a true laugh or even a happy face. Its been a week since I saw myself smiling or saw myself happy. Yah, it's been a week since i felt the love that we had. It was hard at first, accepting that we're not together anymore but it hurts even more when you know you still love each other but the commitment part is missing. I hurts when you know you were both happy having each other when now you're happy with something else. I hurts even more when you'll see him smile and you know you're not the reason behind those smile that he has. Yah, It doubles the pain.

how am i so far? I dont know. I guess Im strong. each day of the weeks makes me weak but Im trying to overcome my weakness. Im trying to smile though it hurts inside. Im trying to laugh eventhough its really funny. Im trying to wake up everyday with a smile i my face even if I mean to have a sad face for the whole day. Im trying to understand the lessons or to listen every lecture even if i just want to doodle what I feel. All these simple things are hard for me, but I tried it and i sometimes accomplish it. but is it worth it? I guess not. so what if i smile? i laugh? i listen? or wake up with a smile? so what if im doing everything that you want me to be, I mean smiling or seeing me being strong? so what? If i dont have you, what's the purpose of these things? Is it worth it? I dont know. It doesn't even makes any sense, but that's what I think.

BE STRONG. that's what me and joanna is dealing with. Problems really makes me weak. They made me cry or even make me do stupid things. that's why im being strong here. Just to see myself smiling though i know its fake. Its the only way to make me laugh eventhough i mean to cry. Being strong gives me the courage of telling him that I still love him and I miss him to death. That i still need him in my life. That he still sompletes me and leaves me incomplete when he chooses to leave me for real. Being strong is the other way of telling a person that Im still waiting for you. It's the only way of showing him that you can still ease the pain. that you can still handle it though you know you're falling a part. Being strong is just like wearing a mask. It hides you from what you really feel. From what you really want to say.

All Im saying right now is only from my point of view. It's hard for me to deal with these things. It makes me give up but not with Love. Like now, Im not giving up on us. but what if he gives up totally? That's the moment where I'll try to BE STRONG for real. If he doesn't give up on us? It's the time that the old Niqui will come back. It will be the time where you'll see me smile again. You'll see me alive again.

Yah, I still miss us. I still miss it even more.
I'm still waiting. Waiting for the right time.

Be strong.
Saturday, August 2, 2008

When i passed by my cousin's house i suddenly thought of asking some advices to her. She's been in a realtionship for the past 5 years. Imagine from 3rd year highschool up to 2nd year college there still together. though they went to different universty it never became a hindrance of having their relationship ended. She said to me, when they were still starting, connection is really there main problem. They also dont connect in some stuffs and they also once ended theirs relationship once but still fixed and tried to connect on some stuffs. She said, even if you just met the person a week, a month or a day ago basta we're willing to love each other everything will be okey. It will not be a reason for some relationship to end. It the Trust, Loyalty and Love is mos important. Communication is also a main ingredient. I asked her, What should i do right now, She said, all you can do is to go with the flow, BE STRONG and dont be so sad. It's yourself were talking about she said. Dont hurt yourself even more. She said "Im not saying find another person that will love you, Im telling you that be strong. Dont give up on him easily but still make it a point that you'll still leave some love for yourself" She also said "niqui, I know you're strong. I know how you handle your past relationships, you even gave me some advice. It's the first time i see you crying infront of me telling that you cant do it anymore? cmon, You're strong" It made me feel better.

I should be strong. face everything with a smile but never give up on us.
I know, I cry some times but in the end I still have this smile whether its a fake or not still im trying. I know I acted stupid this past days but hey? That's what i feel, atleast im not scared to show what im feeling or what Im going through. Im not pretending to be someone im not. Im not strong from the past days but now i know i still have this strength to stan up and be strong. Yah, for you I'll be strong. Im trying.

Thanks Ate, I owe you a lot. If i didn't stop by at your house. I will be crying here in my room while reminscing things. Thanks. Thanks and to you, Hope you can feel that Im trying my best here. Dont worry, Ill be fine. Im still waiting. That's all.

Boring/Weird Day

I dont know why but this past days i always woke up at around 3:00 am then I'll sleep again then I'll woke up at around 8:00 am. Weird? I dont know. I hope this is not like the Exorcism of Emily Rose where she always woke up at around 3:00am and that hour is the demonic hour because Jesus Christ died 3:00pm so its the other way around. Hmm, Anyways. I got weird with it and all that I do is to go to the bathroom just to pee. haha.

Anyways, how's my day? YAH. It's boring. Just went to the mall to buy pirated CD's. BAD BAD. Pero suki na ako eh! haha. Let's be realistic. (: I bought, Sex in the City Movie, 21, Meet Dave and this Kiss. I only watched Sex in the City because my Dad borrowed Meet Dave then the 21 is broken, ayaw basahin ng DVD player ko! (Ayan, Pirated kasi) haha and the This Kiss is kinda 'weird. It's not like a movie but its kinda like a documentation. hehe. Kaya when i saw it i went HUH?! anu toh?! hahaha.

when i was watching the movie. I never kept thinking of us, what really happened to us. There are some parts that really reminds me of us and I cant accept the fact that I miss him so much and I don’t know how is he dealing with it. Sometimes, I want to stop because I don’t know if he’s getting irritated from what I am acting but hey, It’s not my fault why I’m like this but im not blaming him all I want is just to bear with me for some time. There was this part where Carrie is pouting her mouth because there is something wrong and Mr. Big said "that's what Im avoiding to happen" that strucked me and reminded of him because he doesn't want me to see having those look also. Basta, there are lots of things that reminded us. Gaaaah, I cried where in the part where Mr. Big left Carrie on the day of their wedding. Haaaay, but the good thing about them is they had each other again. Watch it guys, It's perfect for me? I guess. The only thing that me and Carrie differ is She's stronger than me. Super Stronger than me.

Yay, I still have project for NATSCA gaaah, Im not done yet and its due on monday. I dont know, Im not really in the mood going to school lately. Im not like before that im so excited to go to school. I shout "hindi pwedeng walang pasok!!" when there's a possibility that there will be no classes. Im not inspired and I know why. My life was Colorful before, i can see stars around me when im happy. I believe in rainbows, in fairytales, wishes and more but know. My life is Dull. No Contrast. I dont believe in Love. Forever is just a word that makes everybody crazy and for me its literally JUST a word. I'll never believe in those cheesy words again. Unless? Something good will happen. You know the feeling when its the end of everything that you loved? GAH. It hurts even more. He's the one who fixed but teared my heart into pieces again.

YAH. Im still hurt. The pain is still here. YAH. I miss you. I miss you to death.

BAD LUCK.

Yesterday was one of my super bad day. Super Bad luck! Gaah. I started my day right but ended it worst. I was walking at Baclaran and it was raining still. I was wet and i stepped on a sharp rock that's why i have this icky wound. It's big and it hurts. Something strucked into my mind, "Hindi pa nga nag heal yung sugat ko sa puso, may bagong sugat nanaman" Haay. Sakit Sakit niya. Anyways, because of my wound i stopped at mcdo muna to check my things. Now i remember, there was someone who helped me when i stepped on the rock then when i checked my things my pouch was missing. I have my ipod there, money and some stuffs. argh! I hate that man, pag nakita ko siya sa Baclaran ulit, naku. Pero, I dont know. then, I was about to cry na. Pag sakay ko ng Jeep, I was wet and crying. Nakalimutan ko na tuloy magbayad. That was one of my worst day and imagine i was alone.

So how's my day? you might ask? i mean, before that terrible incident? It was smooth. I guess but day goes by it hurts even more. I miss him even more or even cry more in the night. Everything is different. My smile is different. My eyes. Even seating at the backseat of his car is different. Each day that passes by, i thought i can make it but it makes me weak even more.

Where's the old Niqui? my bestfriend asked. I said she went on vacation. If im not around, I'll be on Baywalk, Luneta, National Museum or in San Miguel by the Bay or even in some parks in the villages where reminds me of us. I'll be on a place where i can shout what i feel, draw what my heart says, sing the songs that reminds us or write in our notebook that supposed to my gift for the coming months.

Let's see what will happen next. He said to me last nigh, for sure there will be a good thing that will happen to me. For sure. I hope so.

It made a difference.
Friday, August 1, 2008

Haven't you ever felt of being happy in some ways that you can manage to think that somehow you're ok? That you can possibly think that there's still something between you. I felt that happiness yesterday but still there was also a chance were I felt the same old sadness here in my heart.

It was raining and i expected that i wouldn't feel happy. I had bad experiences with rains and plus it makes me feel sad though i dont have any reason to be sad but yesterday I still have the reason to have this inverted smile in my face. But hey, Im trying to smile, laugh or even tell a joke. It's not that hard to pretend ayt? but it makes me feel guilty because what if someone out there is really happy because he/she saw me smiling? It's so hard to show your real feelings because i dont want them to be affevted with my situation. So i guess, ill stick with the fact that Im pretending though it somehow makes me feel guilty. Enough with the guilt stuff, I'll tell you why am i happy SOMEHOW yesterday.

the other night i slept at around 4:00 am and woke up at around 7 which is yeaterday and i had to leave the house at around 7:30am. though it's hassle it didnt bother to ruin my whole day. It started when my dad was talking to his friend. He is really planning to buy me a new DLSR kecause i broke my old one. Gaah, Clumsy me i know. He asked me if 450D is ok na for me, then i said SUPER! it's ok. So, I guess i dont need to shift na talaga? :] but still we'll see. Then when i reached school all of the signs that i asked for God really showed up. Hmm. That's why im KINDA happy! Then, we had lunch together with the boys plus and joanna after lunch we went to hollow lounge and played. They played dota while me and joanna played WINTERBELL. Gaa, enjoy nanaman. Me and Phillip played Counter and i know Phillip sucks. JOKE! :D Anyways. After playing there and it was raining so hard and we decided to run through the rain. GEE, Sobrang, WET WET WET and when i was raining I never felt that feeling, the feeling of being out there and made me smile and said to myself if it isn't because of this rain, we wouldn't be laughing or smiling together for real this time. It left a smile in my face whenever im thinking about that incident again. then after class we decided to hang out for a while the four of us. We went to 14th floor and suddenly when I entered that room, Memories filled my emotions again. There was this scene when i played the song vunerable and i just stared at the window looking down at the people walking in the street of vito cruz and then he went near me, we were both in silence that i dont understand. When i was looking at his face, i stared at those eyes that once melted me and those lips that once held mine. I felt crying at that moment but i kept holding it back. Suddenly, He asked me. Why? I simply answered "namimiss lang kita". Then silence took place again.

I dont know how will i feel, I feel happy because Im with him plus our friends or Im sad beacause what happened to us. If you'll ask me, I still feel both at the same time but what makes me happy this day? It's because of what he said to me in the bookstore. He insisted saying it to me but I made him tell it still. He hugged me and whispered something in my ear, I heared it wrong but when he repeated it, he said. "Miss na kita" It made me smile and made me teary eye. It made a difference. If you just know, how i miss you more.