I just ended my day different today. I finished it with a smile and thinking if this day will happen again.
I smiled because of YOU. Yeah, because of him.
Is this Love? or Infatuation? Please. Warn me,please? :)
Today is different. More pictures, more memories and more smile that came out of my face.
Green Room is our new hangout! It's coooooool. We dance, we took pictures and we Enjoyed a lot! haha. I love it when Im with them. Oh yes, good thing the rain started falling so that Joanna wouldn't be going home anymore! Yeheeeey. After Class we had our training @ DLSU.
While roaming around DLSU, some of my friends saw their Highschool friends and it really pisses us off when they started asking "Anung ginagawa mo dito?" "Bakit ka nandito?" Bullshit no? Parang, ok kayo na LaSallista pero hello? SDA still rules! :)) No offense pero, maganda naman talaga yung amin! Bwahahaha. Anyways, we learn new steps again. It was cute, i love it.
During the practice, I cant stop thinking of him at the same time there's someone who really catches my eye. Labo? My heart's with him but my eyes are with this another guy.
All i know is that I'm confused, am i falling for a wrong person?
I want to be rescued from what I'm feeling today. I wanna disappear and never worry about others think of me. I wanna understand why is this happening. I want to know why am i so weak right now where I need to be impregnable and fight this pain that i'm going through.
"Why aren't you mad at him?" others ask me this question and i still manage to run from it. I dont know why and when I ask them if I really need to be they always answer "From what he did, there's no person who would stay loving that person". I dont get it, am I being to weak? From what he said to the girl which is NOT true, i should be mad and i should be wishing him bad karma but hey, Im still ending up
Weak. Weak. Weak.
I want to run from this. Escape from these questions, problems and pain.
Everytime I see him, looking at him from a far away distance. I always ask myself "Hanggang dito na lang ba ako?" It sucks. I know. Looking at him while he's looking at someone else is a stupid move for me. I shouldn't be like this.
I thought I've moved on already but I was wrong.
There are times that I feel like I've moved on, but still there are times that Im still craving for him. Calling other people by his name is a sign that I still miss him a lot. I always shout "Ohmy!" whenever I remember something from the past and realize how happy are we when the five of us is still together. I thougt it would be forever but I was wrong. Now, Im having a hard time believing if the word "forever" still exist.
When I was in the bus a while ago, I made some thinking and realize something. Labong Labo parin ako sa break-up namin. It's really hard to loose someone especially when you guys didn't got the chance to talk about it. As in FULL TALK. Im still looking forward for that day. Im hoping na, if ever we will had that one chance i might be understanding everything. That's why Im being like this, Gloomy, Mystify, Uncontented girl is because everything's not clear to me. Everything's a big question mark.
Im looking forward to it but Im not expecting. I just want that day to come.
Let's do everything one last time. I want it, I'll wait :)
"So let's have one last dance to our first song while pretending this nothing wrong".
I just want to have that last day and I'll see you in my dreams.
and oh, one more thing.
Isn't it weird hearing our song 3 times today. One @ my cousin's computer shop. One @ my dad's car and I didn't mean it to play and last when I viewed his profile in multiply. (Im not a stalker, i just saw him viewing mine so I viewed his) Im still listening to our first skype conversation. haha. stalker? No! I erased it already, dont worry.
I'll see him tomorrow again. I'll see them together again. It hurts, yeah. but c'est la vie.
This is what I feel, Im sorry. Im not over reacting here. I just type what I feel because in this blog, I dont pretend. It's tiring to pretend the whole day now it's time to be the real me.
5 members are from my block. That's Me, Cara, Vince, Ken and Russell.
one hour to go and this day is over. I want it over at the same time I dont.
Later this morning, My tummy aches. It hurts like there's no tomorrow. I was crying to my mom while holding my tummy. Gaaaah, I look like a 3yrold screaming so hard because it hurts like hell. then suddenly I stopped and realize, is this just my alibi? but still I ended up crying.
I miss everything. I miss highschool, I miss Gangbang and most especially I miss him. I thought I've moved on already but I was wrong. I viewed every single album that i have here in my computer. Thousands of picture were there, the sweet ones, the happy ones and yeah especially the Last one. I wouldn't forget that, It was taken somewhere in SDA. Why do I miss him a lot? Oh, I know. Today was supposed to be our Monthsary. Every 21st day of the month makes me miss him a lot. Thinking that, i would have been holding his hands so tight today or i would have been seating right next to him and saying those sweet words that we use to tell.
But hey, We're Done.
Some says, I should be mad. others tell me i should find a new one. My mom told me, "I told you" and my dad told me "I tought he loves you?". WAAAAAH. Stop. One by One please. You're drving me crazy. I cant think. I cant analyze.
Whenever i have dinner with my Family or Friends, they always tell me that it's my fault. I shouldn't trust a guy right away. I should have known him better. YAH, I know and Im sorry. Feelings kasi kagad ang pinairal ko, hindi yung Reality. and Im sorry. Is it wrong to Love a person right away? If it's bad then I didn't know it was. All i know those time is that I love him, he loves me and i dont care about the rest. It sucks, i know.
find a new one? I think it's not right. I mean, i shouldn't look for it. It will come but not RIGHT AWAY. There's this one guy who really made me smile for the past week. It's white, haha. I love colors and I love giving them code names through colors. White or Tairo (not his real name) Really makes me smile last 2 weeks ago, I thought i would be happy because I have a new friend. but when he confessed his real feelings and told me the truth i suddenly thought of myself, isn't it disrespectful because it's so fast? or should i trust this guy?
I ran away again. I was scared to Love again. I dont want to be hurt again that's why I ran. Did i just said "AGAIN" three time? Yeah, I did and that proves that i dont want to be hurt for the 3rd time around. I'll take a rest. Focus on my studies and to my friends, family and bowling. I'll face reality little by little. Then after, I'll ask myself If I'm ready. He said he'll wait, I said "Im also waiting". He said "Ill wait for you" then I said "Dont expect, please. That's what I did and It hurt me more."
Cara told me that it's better to move on and be strong and that's what Im doing for the past 2 months and still it hurts. I should be mad but I cant. STUPID ko no? :l
I told myself, no more EMO POST. but hey, Im typing another one. It sucks i know. I want this to be last. I hope this would be. I want to have a peaceful life. No Pain, No fights and No People like them but i dont control those people. I dont have the Remote to control my life. I dont have the power to be numb and I dont have the skill to know first if the guy would hurt me.
I just want to be happy again. Please.
Sana INSOCIO na lang lagi, para happy. Nandun kasi si Crush! Bwahahaha.
Monday na ulit. I wann go to school to learn not to get hurt.
HAHA. I'll just smile tomorrow. Like what Mr. Algeb told us..
"Kahit nahihirapan ka na sa problems, Smile ka lang. Para di halatang di mo kaya"
That's right. It's much better to pretend, they'll never know if you're having a fake or a true one.
Friday? It was a blast.
Lot's of unexpected things came into my way.
from school to photoshoot, practice to kevin's concert, kevin's concert to Lara's Birthday Blowout.
Lot's of shocking stories, incident or even people came into my way. This day was soooooo tiring and I ended up drunk at Lara's Bed :) Oh yeah. I was drunk. Suuuuuuperr drunk but I denied it! haha.
THANKS CARA sa mga kwinento mo. Yung iba talaga nakakagulat. Yung iba nakakatawa pero yung isa talaga yung pinaka nakakagulat at pinaka gusto ko na kwento :) Ang sama ko! :P
Anyways, then after the Photoshoot for our Dance Troupe we went to Coro San Benildo's Concert to watch Kevin. OHMY! Kevin's solo was really a standing ovation! haha. I mean, there were lot's of people who shouted and clapped for him. GALING! Here's a short video.
Then after watching Kevin this was the most tiring thing that happened to me. First time ko din gawin ito. Nag commute ako using LRT 1 then LRT2. Grabe, na amaze ako sa itsura ng LRT2. Para siyang Airport! Wahaha. Enjoy ako kahit super layo ng byahe ko just to attend Lara's birthday na sobrang saya ko kahit di lang siya Obvious. :))
LASING KAMI? OO.
Me and Lara finished a bottle of chocolate mud shake thingie. (Di yung putek) bwahaha. then a bottle of tequilla also plus some beers. There were no Smokes. KARAOKE was present.Sing a long until 4:00 am. Nung kami na lang ni Lara ang natira sa Karaoke Machine, the songs were, "Before i let you go" "One last Cry" Id rather" "Love moves in myserious ways" "Wherever you'll go" "If you'll leave me now" "Fixing a broken heart".
Di naman masyadong obvious na Broken kami? Hmmm. For a while lang. Iyak Iyak ng onti kaming dalawa then after that we just hug each other tight and said "We'll make throught this together". Kahit lasing na kami, Nagawa pa din namin maalala na, Moved on na pala kami.
We slept @ around 5 na. The next day, hindi kami nakapag training. May training sila sa PJB na hindi ko na inaatendan but I also had a training in our dance troupe, since late na kami nagising hindi na kami tumuloy. Natulog na lang ulit then took a bath then pasyal then uwi.
NAKAKAPAGOD YUN HA! Commute pa ako umuwi.
yan yung nangyari sakin ng Friday && Saturday. Ewan ko. Ang weird eh, para sakin.
Madami din akong nalaman. Narealize and na feel :)
Never again to their level.
Since it's 1:59 na. It's Friday na, first thing first. Happy Birthday Lara my Labs! :)
So, anung nangyari kahapon? September 18,2008, aside from Joanna and Ralph's Monthsary. Well, sobrang daming revelations ang nangyari. Sobrang daming mga hidden things na nabunyag na! Yung mga akalain mong "wala lang" ay big deal sa iba. Nakakatawa? Oo, nakakatawa na nakakainis. Am i still in highschool? Can you tell me please. Grabe Kasi.
Plastik? Talamak parin. Akala mo kung sinong concern tas ikaw pala tong nagbabaliktad ng kwento pag nagkkwento ka sa mga kaibigan mo? SHET. Sobra. Isa na lang. bibingo ka na.
MADAMI PA AKONG GUSTONG SABIHIN.
kaso, baka ano lang sabihin ng iba dyan. Baka may matamaan at magreact kahit di sila sigurado kung sila ba talaga yung tinutukoy ko.
Basta, isa pa talaga.
ISA NA LANG TALAGA.
tama sabi nina Cara, Pao and Rita. Kung ngayon ako sasabog, medyo wala sa lugar at ako talo. Maghintay na lang daw ako na gawin ulit yon ni ano tas dun na namin kakausapin. Chilax muna.
About my heart?
I've finally Moved on. This is not plastic or whatsoever.
I dont know how, basta I've moved on. Yey :)
Time to throw those memories and go on with this life.
"But there’s a first time for everythingAnd I’ll fall in love againWhen I begin my second time aroundIt’s the last time I’ll think of youYou can do what you’d like to doBut if you only knew I’m never coming back."
- Five times August. First time for Everything.
You made me realize. YOU REALLY MADE REALIZE why should i really go now.
Thanks to you. Super Thanks. though I'll miss you, yellow. I'll be around, always.
Eto na. I finally made Reality chase me.
I kept running from it this past months but i suddenly gave up.
Atleast, no more tears. no more pain.
I GUESS? Hmmmmmm. Let's see na lang.
Sa mga CREEPS naman who really wants to ruin our life and still continue to do it. Thanks, coz you're making us strong. I wont anymore give a damn.
* Green is still standing still. She's strong. I know she is.
You make me smile, but my heart still belongs to him.
It sucks that im still standing here, choosing someone who wont be happy with me.
SOMEDAY? I hope so.
Wala akong nagawa.
Nagising ako kanina ng tama. Sakto lang, walang trapik at hinatid ako ng dryber na hindi kami namamadali. Coool, hindi hassle. Pumasok ako ng classroom ng nakangiti, masaya at blooming daw ako? haha. Ewan ko nga ba, pero sabi nila Jazz, Francine at Micah blooming daw! :)) So yun nga, masaya ako. (Oo, dahil sayo! Ikaw kasi ehh!)
Notes. Notes. Notes.
Nasa mood ako mag notes, makinig at matuto. Yes! Inspired? Nakss. Nakangiti nga alng ako buong araw eh. Pero, bakit ganoon? Pag masaya ako, malungkot naman ung friends ko?
sa di inaasahang pangyayari.
Nung kami ay nagkita ng Friend ko na si Lara, isang HRIM student din sa aming eskwelahan. Napaiyak siya sakin sa mga kinukwento niya, nakikita ko sa kanya ang sarili ko nung hindi pa tlaga ako nakakapag move on sa kanya. oo, sa kanya. Naiyak din ako habang nagkwento siya at nasabi ko din sa sarili ko, Shet. Nakapagmove on na ba talaga ako? Then un nga, napagusapan na din namin na magrent na lang kami ng Apartment/Condo para lagi na kaming magkasama ng aking close close friend na si Lara. Tapos, ako'y dumarecho na sa SDA. Late na kasi ako sa AlgebX pero, nakahabol ako. La pa si Joanna ng dumating ako, pero maya maya ay dumating na din siya. Nadama ko ang katahimikan niya at hindi ko alam kung bakit, pagkatapos ng Algeb namin ay bigla na lang siyang lumabas, nakatingin sa bintana.
Tinanung ko siya kung bakit, at ayun nagkwento siya at hindi niya na din napigilan at umiyak na din siya.
Wala akong nagawa kundi patahanin sila. Nagsalita ng mga advice, ngunit ramdam ko ang kakulangan noon. Haay, babawi ako. Sana, nadoon din sina Pao at Ram nung umiiyak si Joanna, sabi niya, namimiss niya na din yung dalawa at hindi ko rin mapagkakait na namimiss ko din silang dalawa. Namimiss ko yung dating kami. Yung "Apat Dapat". Di sana, nakatulong din sila sa pag advice kasi, hindi ko rin alam kung ano.
Babawi ako. Jobow at Lara.
Wag na kayong malungkot, please.
KAYA NATIN TO! OK? Tignan niyo ako? Strong.
anu daw? Ako ba ito? :))
La La La Love. Yeah, we're so inlove.
TAGALOG ENTRY for a change.
Tapos na din.
Wala na kaming stalker, infairness matalino siya SOMEHOW pero nalito na siya/sila.
Threats. Threats. Threats.
"May alam ako sayo" - stalker.
Masyado kang nagpapaobvious eh. May hinala na kami sayo :))
Tatawa na lang ako, pero pag nalaman lang talaga namin ni Joanna na ikaw talaga yun. Naku, baka hindi kami basag ang muka kundi IKAW.
Tigilan mo na lang tong Laro na to, hindi na nakakatuwa.
So, anu naman nangyari kahapon bago kami sundan nung Stalker Kuno na yon? Hmm. Wala naman. Nakakatuwa lang kasi na-appreciate talaga ako ni PAT. hehe, Super Thank You siya kasi pinansin ko daw and nakita ko siya. Sweet daw ako, yes! Na touch naman ako don! :) Anyways, La namang masyadong nangyari pero meron isang part na nagulat talaga kami ni IENNE. haha. Bentong? haha. Gets na ni ienne yan. Hay! Grabe.
Anyways, Umulan lang. Tila sumasabay ang aking mood swings sa weather pero mostly tahimik lang ako yesterday. Nag compose lang ako ng kanta, kinanta naman ni Joanna pero hindi pa kami tapos. Nag recite lang ako ng biglaan sa Intecom at Active ako sa Algeb-X. haha. So, wala naman tlagang mahalagang nangyari.
parang ilang bes ko nang binangit na "walang mahalagang nangyari" sa post ko na ito at hindi ko alam kung bakit. Siguro meron, pero napakaliit na bagay. Mas marami paring masakit kesa sa masaya. Pero, may karapatan pa ba akong maging ganito? Siguro meron lalo na pag ako na lang yung lumalaban. Ang Martyr ba? haha. Ewan ko nga eh. Di ko magawang lumaban ng patas. Sige, Isang term na lang naman di ba? Kaya pa to Siguro :)
Sige, Lord. Damihan mo pa yung mga problema namin.
Sige lang. Baka diyan po kayo masaya eh. Iintindihin ko na lang kayo.
Ngayon, alas onse pa pasok ko at nakakatmad ng pumasok ngayon. Umuulan pa, pero dati kahit may bagyo gustong gusto kong pumasok. haha. iba na nga kasi ngayon. Sobrang IBA na. isa dalawang upuan na magkalayo dati normal pa, pero dulo sa dulo? Alam mo talaga na may nagbago na. Mga Ngiti na pilit? o yung mga hindi inaasahan na pagtitinginan sabay iwas ng tingin? Iba na talaga at yoon ay Normal sa dalawang taong Nagmahalan. Lalo na yung nagmahalan sa maling panahon.
Maraming nagbabago, Maraming umaalis, Maraming nananatili pero mas marami parin umaasa. Ano kaya ako doon? Nagbago? Umalis? Nanatili? o Umaasa? Hm. Malay ko ba, Lahat? haha. Ewan ko.
Hindi rin natin masasabi kung anong mangyayari sabi nga naman ni Paolo, pero dapat matuto din akong magtira ng pagmamahal sa sarili ko na meron parin naman. Basta, Nandito lang ako palagi. Hindi man ako tulad ni Superman na kayang buhatin ang isla pero meron kaming parehas na kakayahan. "Lagi lang akong nandito" "I'll be always around"
Miss na kita, friend.
it's 1:55 am and still Im up.
I cant sleep, Im just listening in JANGO for the past 4 hours of my life. If it's not Five times august its Daphne Loves Derby. If it's not Jason Mraz its Seconhand Serenade but what strucked me the most? It's still the Jonas Brothers.
I love their song "Please be mine". LSS na ako.
Anyways, my eyes are blinking so fast that i could fall asleep while typing post but i just cant. I CANT.
Lots of things enter my mind and bothers me a lot. GAH.
I want peace. Please.
am i being EMO?
I dont think so. Im sad. When Im sad I write.
but cutting classes? I dont know. That was way over but I cant help it. Promise, that would be the last time and promise to bring my inhaler where i will go.
I just want to end these things. Problems and Stuffs.
Whether it deals with Family, Friends or even Love.
I just want to end this term. I thought this term will make a difference but I was wrong. I mean, we were Wrong.
Go with the flow Niq? Even it's really breaking you.
Sacrifice? Yeah. Even your feelings? Hmm. I guess.
"One last dance to our first song while pretending there's nothing worng"- 4tune
Im weak. It's true.
I thought I was strong, but i wasn't. It hurts even more and I dont know why. There's something that I dont know. Here i go again, being this little kid and my phobia strikes again. Im like having my fear again, fear of closed spaces. That's what i felt a while ago during algebra. I want air. I want air. So, I cutted. I cant stand it anymore.
I know it's weird? over-reacting? childish act? But hey! I myself cant understand why I did it but I just cant get over it. Joanna cutted also, we took a walk. While she was seating at the bleachers, I was running at the Oval in Rizal Memorial. The air was good, it feels like I'm in heaven that i wasn't thinking of what's happening to my life right now. After that, me and joanna talked and talked. Shared some stuffs and She is sad also today. We're in the same situation right now. LOTS OF PROBLEM and it sucks. My heart pumps so hard like there's no tomorrow.
Then I went a ride at the LRT. Up to Baclaran. Went to baclaran church. Met my mom @ San Juan De dios, then went to Makati Med. Chemo Theraphy really makes me feel nervous. Scared and Cry. Yes, it hurts. Super. (though wala pa din tatalo sa sakit na nararamdaman namin ni Joanna) Before the theraphy, this SOMEONE is texting me these weird texts messages. He/She texts my friends and one blockmate. "IM DEAD" daw tomorrow, well. Let's see! :
Then after the theraphy, the texter FLOODED MY PHONE. Puro threats and deadma na lang ako. Ang pathetic kasi ng dating. Harapan na lang kaya? Para mas ayos? Siya yung lumalabas na Duwag eh haaaaaaaay.
anyways, ang weird nitong day na to. One minute I feel ok because you're there then next I feel stupid/nervous/sad/weird because there are lots of things that come into my mind. AYOKO NA MAG-ISIP, MAG PREDICT, MAG ASSUME because it only breaks my heart. Im here, trying to get over it, then one second BOOM! Ayan nanaman.
"You're strong babe, I know that. Please Smile for me" - Mama